Various things gathered from all over that I thought were funny when I posted them. It would appear that what I thought was funny at age 16 when I created this site and what I think is funny today are two different things. Oh well.

These are my most recently added jokes, the older ones are in the Jokes Archive. As always, some of these could be considered offensive and/or explicit, so consider yourself forewarned.

This section was last updated 12/10/2007.

featuring Hundreds of Proofs of God's Existence

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," says the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replies, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replies.

"What happened?" inquires the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," states the pastor.

"That's OK." says the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either."

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean".

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot".

• "This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore."
• "We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, heck, I don't know."
• "Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?"
• "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding."
• "Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!"
• "This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory."
• "Passengers on the left side of the plane - does that engine sound funny to you?"
• "Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of buffoons!"
• "Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?"
• "We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another!"

Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every hot chick he could.

His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

Naturally, since he was her husband, she let him go as far as he wished. Finally, he whispered a little proposition into her ear, so off they went to one of the upstairs bedrooms and he gave her a little "bang job." Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came home; right away she asked him what kind of a time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing," he replied. "You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don, Bill, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to said he got lucky and shagged some hot babe!"

• Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
• Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
• Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
• New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
• In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
• Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
• Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
• Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
• Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a three-year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year-old scotch.

The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this time a six-year-old one.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a six-year-old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a 12-year-old one, as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a nine-year-old one."

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded 12-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked for in the first place."

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to take a sip.

The fellow did so, spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss!"

"Bravo!" said the man. Then he added, "Now tell me how old I am."

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grew wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Whew! For a second there I thought you said 'a Protestant'!"

The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."

"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.

"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

This seemed to satisfy the priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that nobody had told the new priest about the code word...

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about... YOUR wife fell three times this week!"

She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it.

"What do you think mom?" she asked.

Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him, "Sure we can pamper you enough, but how much is dependent upon how much money you have with you."

Looking into his wallet Jon stated, "Well, all I have is $10."

Laughing, the madam exclaimed, "For ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself."

Looking a bit depressed, and obviously let down from expecting more, Jon went outside. After a few minutes, he returned.

A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him, "What are you doing back here?"

Jon said, "I'm finished and would like to pay."

• The notion of screwing in a twin-sized bed seems absolutely absurd to you!
• Your car insurance goes down. And you now go MONTHS at a time without any "near collisions."
• Your annual salary now approaches what your annual tuition used to be.
• You drink orange juice without vodka.
• Mac & Cheese no longer qualifies as a "well-balanced meal."
• You know the last name of the last person you had sex with!
• You stop confusing '401k plan' with '10K run'.
• You file your own taxes.
• You learn that "bachelor" is a nice term women use for "jerk off."
• Your potted plants stay alive.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
• You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
• You carry an umbrella.
• You watch the Weather Channel.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
• You car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
• You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald's.
• Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
• Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
• You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine no longer qualifies as "pretty good stuff."
• You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
• Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni and Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
• "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
• Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.

She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

• The pattern on your shorts matches the pattern on your sofa.
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You still think of the Rolling Stones as a rock band, instead of as the multi-national corporation that they evolved into over 25 years ago.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think it's hip when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20-year-old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that used to blast Black Sabbath on your boombox that you'd carry around the neighborhood.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a U2 concert because you have work the next day.
• You think Paris Hilton is a 20-story building in France.
• Jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair while watching American Idol.
• You refer to sex as -- "All that messy foolishness."
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• Cars behind you on the highway are constantly flashing their headlights at you.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

• "...and that's when I bitch-slapped the police officer, grabbed his gun, and busted a cap in his sorry ass."
• "It's okay to say 'I love you' if you just want sex. Trust me -- girls understand that."
• "How was your date, son? Did you nail her?"
• "It's hot outdoors... why don't you two play that 'running around inside with scissors' game?"
• "Oh, no! Not ANOTHER friggin' grandchild!"
• "I am through judging everybody and everything."
• "Whoa -- get a load of the rack on that babe!"
• "Not only can you go swimming right after dinner, you get to eat dessert in the pool, too!"
• "Have you ever noticed what an incredible ripoff the flower delivery industry is?"
• "You call *that* a left hook?"
• "You're right. I'm wrong."

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster!!!

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it to my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

• Every time he was passed over for a promotion, he's stick his head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
• A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
• He got caught adding a garage to his house using embezzled Lego bricks.
• Numerous parental complaints about his "Tickle Me 'Chester The Stockboy'" display.
• Went overboard with his GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
• Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
• His idea for a "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) did not win him points with his boss.
• Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
• Got caught doing Dolly Parton impression with basketballs.
• Jaws-of-life needed to pull Chester's knees out of his chest after he jackknifed a Big Wheel.
• Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
• His sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu", was not exactly an overwhelming success.
• Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar and that he answered to the name "Chester."

• You have to believe that the nation's 8-year prosperity under Bill Clinton was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices, the fifteen year high in unemployment, the unprecedented federal deficits (largest in history), the increasing inflation, lack of jobs, increased poverty, increased insurance costs, and all the deaths in Iraq are all Clinton's fault.
• You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. Like George W. Bush, you must insist that when he was born on third base he had actually hit a triple. Meanwhile, you have to believe the poor are all lazy and stupid.
• You have to despise government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
• You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate same-sex marriages, gays in the work place and government, ending or not ending pregnancies, what you can watch on TV or listen to on radio and CD's or read in magazines, what you can use the flag for, being photographed and taped in public places, and what official language should be spoken by you.
• You have to believe that pollution is okay, so long as it makes a profit. It is even better if it's in another state. Better still if it is another country.
• You have to sponsor prayer in public schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
• You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
• You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations should have no regulation or interference.
• You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and you're certain that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, labor unions, and Hillary Clinton. (P.S., he must also agree with you on supporting the death penalty, despite what it says he said in the Bible.)
• You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
• You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
• You have to declare that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans. Even children, felons and wackos.
• You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
• You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
• You have to believe that AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
• You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading at any age.
• You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
• You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco combined, and therefore we must spend large amounts of our tax dollars on a space weapons system against them.
• You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
• You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Tim Hutchinson, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that that bastard Clinton should be never forgiven.
• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are a millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery."
• You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
• You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.
• "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India and encouraging corporations headquartered here to move their address offshore to avoid taxes.
• You hate the ACLU for representing people whose rights have been violated, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North. [This one has appeared in multiple forms on other sites. -ed.]
• You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.
• You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.
• You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.
• You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.
• You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.
• You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science" but Creationism should be taught in schools.
• You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.
• You have to believe that Saddam was good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
• You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
• You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter."
• You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.
• You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have and forcing local libraries to turn over their records.
• You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant."
• You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.
• You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.
• You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread because people are evil and should be punished.
• You have to believe that the evolution is a myth that shouldn't be taught in schools, despite the evidence of biochemistry and the fossil record.
• You have to believe that there is no causal link between legal, easily-obtainable handguns and high murder rates.
• You have to believe that global temperatures are completely unaffected by fossil fuel emissions, that the best way to save the national forests is to allow logging companies to cut down old-growth timber, and the best way to save endangered species is to allow trophy hunters and wildlife traders to import more of them.
• You have to believe that homosexuality is evil (despite the fact that it occurs in nature) and that women should stay at home to cook and bear children.
• You have to believe that businesses never purposely hurt anyone to make money.
• You have to believe that hunting requires an automatic rifle.
• You have to believe that inherited wealth is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
• You have to believe that war is an acceptable solution to any economic or social problem.
• You have to believe that everyone should support the troops - except when it comes to paying them.
• You have to believe that affirmative action is wrong, while still supporting discrimination against minorities.
• You have to believe that Ann Coulter is normal and really a very nice person.
• You have to believe that the only reason supply-side economics hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
• You have to believe liberals telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and draft-dodger belongs in the White House.
• You have to believe that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in every public building regardless of the fact that not everyone in America is a Christian.
• You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by corporations is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
• You have to believe that the media is biased toward liberals, despite the fact that all the major media outlets are owned by ultra-rich conservatives.
• You must believe that ethics are an inconvenience that only Democrats bother with, and that any way you raise money is okay, so long as you don't get caught.
• You must believe that folks who work for their money should be taxed at a high rate, but those who get their money for nothing should be exempt from taxation.
• You must believe that being "morally upright" means hating gays and liberals, and anyone else who doesn't hate gays and liberals.
• You must agree that racking up huge amounts of debt and handing it off to future generations is worth the few thousand extra in tax breaks given to your wealthy "investors."
• You must believe that the best person to represent the United States in the UN is someone who doesn't believe the UN should exist.
• You must believe that government should stay out of people's financial lives, but should socially engineer any behaviors deemed "unacceptable." That the government should stay out of our checkbooks, but feel perfectly at home on our bedrooms and doctors offices.
• You must believe that profitable pollution is perfectly ok, and that all science is bunk when it cuts into profits.
• You must believe that rushing to Washington to vote to keep a dead woman's tube in place is more important than seeing thousands of people drown in a hurricane.
• You must believe that nothing is more important than a fundraiser; not even black people drowning.
• You must believe that the best way to show appreciation to the troops is to charge them to fly home for leave, serve plastic turkey and cut their VA benefits.
• You must believe that forcing bankrupt people to pay their bills is a much more important problem than addressing how they got there in the first place.
• You must believe that the Bill of Rights is absolute in the case of the Second Amendment, but negotiable with regard to the rest of the document.
• You must agree that the adulterous affairs of Democrats require public embarrassment and impeachment, while those of Republicans are a private matter, and excusable because, well, "boys will be boys" (or girls).
• You must ascribe to the notion that the Clintons' business deals were major breaches of the public trust, while the fact that Dick Cheney is still being paid by Halliburton, which is now getting billions of your tax dollars, is no big deal.
• You must believe that everything that Democrats do should be public knowledge, but that the public has no right to know anything that Republicans do.
• You must always deride a Democrat's changes of mind and philosophy as a "flip-flop," while referring to those of fellow Republicans as "growth."
• You must agree that the outcome of an election is always more important than making sure everyone got to vote and that all votes were counted.
• You must agree that income tax cuts for the rich are good for the economy, while payroll tax cuts for the working class are bad. Furthermore, you must believe that making sure that the rich have a few extra dollars in their pockets is good for the economy, while raising the minimum wage is detrimental.
• You have to have faith that a tax break for the wealthy that takes away child credits for the poor is going to make poor people go away so that we are all rich.
• You firmly believe that International Treaties only count if we like them today.
• You know it is all right to disseminate and print all the falsehoods and lies possible about the Clintons, but to talk about Dubyah’s record of years of alcoholism and cocaine abuse, D.U.I.’s, the Bush twins’ arrests for illegal use of alcohol, Jenna’s posing for nudie calendars, or Neil Bush’s felonies for illegal loans and bankrupting Silverado S & L, or Jeb Bush’s marital problems, infidelities and his daughter’s cocaine addiction are personal, private and off limits for the press.
• You have to still believe that George was really telling the truth about Weapons of Mass Destruction.
• You should believe that it doesn't really make any difference that George H.W.Bush was the one who armed Osama and gave nerve gas and other banned chemicals to Sadaam in the 80's because "they were on our side."
• You have to believe that George W. Bush REALLY won the election in 2000, in spite of the 600,000 plus vote plurality for Al Gore, and the unprecedented interference of the U. S. Supreme Court in appointing Bush the president, 5 to 4.
• You have to believe that we really could have gotten Bush’s business partner, Osama bin Laden if it hadn’t been for that bastard, Bill Clinton.
• You have to believe no matter how corrupt the Bush family is, the Kennedy family is worse.
• You have to believe that no mater how often and how big the lies are that the Bush administration tells, that if they repeat them often enough, loudly enough and call anybody who points them out "traitors" and "anarchists" that they will make them fact.
• You have to believe in changing the rules to insulate Tom DeLay from any loss of privilege and power while he is convicted of a variety of felonies.
• You have to believe that if George surrounds himself with incompetent ass kissing "yes" men and fawning females that he can make better decisions.
• You have to believe that the cops never target innocent people, and that therefore things like due process, freedom from unwarranted searches and seizures, and right to legal representation are a waste of time and only exist to protect the bad guys. Unless it's your ass headed to the slammer, of course.
• You have to believe that fetuses and stem cells have infinite moral value, while the moral value of Iraqi children blown to shreds by our bombs or killed in the civil war we helped create is negotiable.
• You have to believe that the Soviet Union fell not because communism was fundamentally flawed, but because the Soviets were scared of Ronald Reagan.

• You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
• You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
• You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Korean communists.
• You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
• You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.
• You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
• You have to be against executing serial killers but in favor of the unrestricted killing of unborn children.
• You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
• You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
• You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
• You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
• You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
• You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
• You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.
• You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
• You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.
• You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
• You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
• You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments and unions create prosperity.
• You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.
• You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
• You have to believe that minorities (especially blacks) are inferior and incapable of individual advancement without government intervention.
• You have to believe that advocating the joys of "alternative lifestyles" in public school classrooms is good for children, but uttering the Pledge of Allegiance with the words "Under God" is bad for those same children.
• You must believe that savage acts of terror are the moral equivalent of political discourse and/or an appropriate response to America's "crimes."
• You must believe in using the power of government to steal from the productive in order to give to the parasitical, and that there is no distinction between true need and greed.
• You must believe that rights are bestowed by the federal government (until a federal judge sees fit to revoke them), and are not granted by God and protected by the Constitution.
• You must believe that virtual child pornography and sexually-explicit cable programming are commendable examples of free speech deserving of protection, but criticizing a government official within 60 days of an election ought to be stamped out mercilessly.
• You must believe that the best way to vote and govern is to stop thinking and rely instead on warm fuzzy feelings.
• You must believe that reasoned political discourse consists of repeated 30-second advertisements equating an American president to Adolf Hitler, despite the fact that similar criticism in Nazi Germany would result in a one-way trip to a concentration camp after the first ad was broadcast.
• You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.
• You have to believe Richard Nixon obstructed justice by having an 18 1/2-minute gap in one tape of his recorded conversations, but that it was only an innocent mistake that one year's worth of Al Gore's e-mails got erased. And, wouldn't you know that these e-mails of Al's just happen to be the ones subpoenaed by a White House committee and a federal grand jury in their continuing investigation of campaign finance abuses and other matters.
• After the votes have been counted the same as they were in 37 other states, you must believe that hand counting the votes in three heavily democrat districts of the nation, ignoring the thousands of others many of which are heavily republican, is the only way to determine who was really elected.
• You must believe that killing a mass murderer is horrible, but believe that flushing innocent babies down the drain is cool.
• You must believe that buying a gun will turn a good person into a sociopathic predator.
• You must believe that the Soviet Union just fell by itself.
• You have to believe that DemocRATs are fighting for poor people, even though the leaders such as Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Al Gore, etc. are getting richer and richer for using that war-chant, while the poor people are getting poorer and poorer.
• You have to believe that the nation can sue itself into prosperity.
• You have to believe that the Democratic party, which claims it's constituency based on race, wants to eliminate racism in America.
• You have to believe that the sexually confused, criminally organized, ethically negotiable, and motivationally dysfunctional represent the core values of American society.
• Humans are all equal except at birth. Kill babies, save criminals.
• You have to believe that all teenagers are essentially wild animals with uncontrollable sexual passions. So forget mentioning the word "abstinence."
• You have to believe that a national election should be decided by a roomful of Democrats, meeting behind closed doors, attempting to determine the voters' intentions.
• You have to believe that people born poor can never achieve anything without lots of help from an overwhelmingly powerful government, and you have to believe that people who DO manage to succeed without government's help have obviously "cheated" (because Equal Opportunity always leads to Equal Outcomes unless somebody cheated), and thus they deserve to be heavily penalized.
• You have to believe that a student wearing a crucifix necklace or bowing their head in a voluntary silent prayer is a threat to America as we know it. You have to believe that harshly discriminating against religion - by singling out just the student Bible Study group for denial out of all of the groups applying for permission to meet in classrooms after school - is obviously what the founding fathers were thinking of when they put into the Constitution that Congress shall make no law "prohibiting the free exercise" of religion.
• Although you've never seen a Bible in your life, you have memorized the story of Jesus saving the life of the adulterous woman ("He among you who is without sin may cast the first stone"), and you've recounted this verse countless times as a bludgeon against Christians who speak out on any sin- related issue. But you conveniently end your narration just BEFORE the last line - where Jesus told the woman, "Go, and sin no more."
• You have to believe that Scouting parents who don't want to send their boys into the woods with homosexuals are guilty of "Hate Crimes", and that this country would be such a wonderful place if we had laws to put such hateful parents behind bars.

So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest philosophy department for assistance. He put the problem to the chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man to return the next day. When the man returned, the chair beamed and informed him that the department put its best minds together and came up with the best possible question to ask the angel - and naturally he told the man the question to ask.

The next day the angel appeared and asked, "Well, do you have a question for me?" "Yes," the man replied with a great deal of confidence in his voice. "What are the members of the following ordered pair: the first member of the pair is the best possible question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the answer to that question?" The angel smiled and said, "You know, you couldn't have asked me a better question. In fact the first member of the pair IS the question you just asked. But that means the second member is the answer I'm giving you now."

"Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said.

"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.

"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.

"Of course," the woman replied.

"How about three more inches?" came the maid's retort.

The economy of cows in different societies:

SOCIALISM:
You have two cows and you give one to your neighbor.

SOCIALISM (alternate):
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everybody else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. the government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. the government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you all the eggs and milk that regulations say you should need.

COMMUNISM:
You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you the milk.

COMMUNISM (alternate):
You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM IN REALITY:
You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

STALINIST COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?

FASCISM:
You have two cows, the government takes both and sells you the milk.

FASCISM (alternate):
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

ANARCHISM:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors will kill you and take your cows.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Politicians decide who gets the milk.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

REAL CAPITALISM:
You would like two cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholders who sell the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. Break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN IRISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. One is Catholic, one is Protestant. You must keep them in separate fields, occasionally they bite each other through the dividing fence. Hatred stops milk production.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You insist they be pastured on a Palestinian's farm at no cost. One day, to feed his starving family, he milks them before you can. You demand the government imprison him and build a police outpost so your cows can be watched.

A PALESTINIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the Israeli police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli marketplace. When both cows die you blame the Jews.

A WISCONSIN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

MICROSOFT:
You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours. Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world.

ADVERTISING AGENCY:
You have two cows. You over charge people for your dairy products to finance an advertising campaign that grossly overstates the importance of milk.

• If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
• Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
• There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
• An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• Chicken little only has to be right once.
• "NO" is only an interim response.
• You can't kill a bad idea.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
• The truth is a variable.
• A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
• You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
• A promise is not a guarantee.
• If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

• Capitalism: You wash the dishes, the ones who own them profit.
• Anarchism: We all share in the dishwashing.
• Democracy: Even as a dishwasher, you deserve a say in which politician is best suited to protect the economy that keeps you in the kitchen
• Nationalism: Forget about those dishes for a second—you’re a citizen of the proudest nation on earth!
• Libertarianism: You wash the dishes, the owners profit even more
• Fascism: The Mexicans who washed the dishes are deported, the Jews who owned the place are imprisoned, and everyone else is conscripted for military service
• Unemployment: The only thing worse than being trapped in a dishroom is being trapped outside one
• Neoliberalism (AKA "Free Trade"): The dishes are shipped overseas to be washed and you’re free to develop your own combination of Unemployment and Nationalism
• Reform: Smaller stacks, warmer water, longer breaks—same dishes!
• Socialism: Dishwashers’ wages increase just enough to afford higher taxes
• Communism: From each according to his means, to each according to his need — as determined outside the dishroom
• Marxism: Between shifts, the dishwasher studies the intricacies of dialectical materialism. It turns out that thanks to his efforts, the dirty dishes have been accumulating value for his boss to invest in more dishes. The stuff about the dictatorship of the proletariat is more perplexing, but the party theorists reassure him that it makes perfect sense to them. Under their direction, he joins his fellow dishwashers in a risky coup d’état. Afterwards, he is distraught to find himself still in the kitchen, washing dishes for party bureaucrats. The bureaucrats reassure him that they will eventually wither away.
• Syndicalism: The dishwashers join labor syndicates that send representatives to a council, at which it is decided which dishes are to be washed and when
• Anarcha-Feminism: You wash dishes for the boss — who washes the dishes at home?
• Anarcho-Primitivism: Down with dishes!
• Anarcho-Punk: Down with washing!
• Insurrectionary Anarchism: A quixotic attempt to distill a political theory from the practice of smashing dishes

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to the man, but when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he replied that he didn't want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said that there was nothing special that he wanted to do.

It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was strapped down for execution, the guard asked the man if he wanted a cigarette.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing:

"One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Anti-War Kerry: Wearing overalls, includes clenched fist and patented missile-launch arm action. Can throw somebody else's medals 4 feet. (Medals not incuded.)

Fighting for you Kerry: Comes with Michelle Phillips, and Morgan Fairchild dolls. (Marriageable heiress dolls not included.)

Fighting The Special Interests Kerry: In halter top, fishnet stockings, high heels and pink leather hotpants. Includes a Neon "For Rent" sign.

Populist Kerry: Looks like elongated Howard Dean choking on diesel fumes.

Gollum Kerry: Pull this squatting Kerry's string and he says:

"The Master
tricked us into voting for war.
But the war is good.
Yes but he tricks us.
Should have had friends help us.
But War good. But not like this no. No! Good War.
Bad Master. Tricked us with his trixy trickseses."

Irish Kerry: Discontinued

Mature Centrist Kerry: Still in the design phase. Release scheduled for August 2004. Back order now.

Kerry Intern Love Doll: Rumored but hard to find.

Collect 'em save 'em trade 'em with your friends.

To introduce the idea, she challenged her children to take some time Sunday afternoon and write a "Letter to God."

The following Sunday, when they brought their letters to class, she had a hard time reading one of them with a straight face.

It said, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Sure wish you could have been there."

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 150 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
• If at first you don't succeed--try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Never quit until you have another job.
• Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
• Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
• Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
• There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

THE HATAMOTO IS ALWAYS IN ON IT.
During the investigations of Bekhten, the advisor of the Daimyo has always been the first to eject me from the Daimyo's presence, much as the famed Al'Jazz was ejected from the Ibn Banks residence on El Fresh Prince ak'Bel-Air. If there is any cover-up in progress, any assassination being plotted, any underhanded business at all, the Hatamoto is more likely to be involved than the Scorpion! I shuddered to think of the Skullduggery that Scorpion Hatamotos were capable of, until I discovered that they are reasonable and honest people.
Therefore, Bekhten's first step towards making your Empire a place where truth can flourish is as follows: Kill all Hatamotos. With them out of the way, everyone is at less risk. As an additional point to this, we strongly believe that all members of the Scorpion clan should each spend one year mining copper for us! HAHA! That will keep them in line.
I have also discovered the following: THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE EMPEROR. This problem you face can be solved in an old Senpet fashion, known as crushing two snakes with one big rock. There are too many Imperial heirs, and your Empire does not know who is right. The Lion Clan like to kill people as often as possible. Therefore, each prospective Emperor must draw a stone from a pot, blindfolded. All stones are black except one white stone. The heir who draws the white stone WILL NOT BE KILLED BY THE LION CLAN. The rest will. This will satisfy the Lion clan, and settle your succession.
As an aside, Kaneka will not be allowed to participate in this process. He will be killed first. It is his right. Furthermore, in order to broaden the fun (and Lion butchery), anyone who wants to be Emperor, not just the four Winds, may participate. My dinari are on Yukihira!
Also, THE CRAB CLAN MUST STOP WALKING SIDEWAYS AND EATING CARRION ON BEACHES. They behave in a fashion too reminiscent of their totem, and it will bring them only dizziness and nausea!
THE LION CLAN MUST TAKE UP A MORE PRODUCTIVE HOBBY. No-one ever criticises the Mantis for their love of sailing, do they, Lion? Yet when all prospective heirs have been massacred, who then will you kill? I advise you to take up horse racing. This will allow you to channel your energies productively, while still giving you the warm feeling of upsetting another clan!
THE HORDE OF THE SHADOWLANDS MUST BEHAVE ITSELF. And they were doing so well! They had learned to live in peace, and now they attack people for no reason! Stupid, stupid dead creatures! Their naughtiness is the fault of society! We must all be embarassed!

If anyone else has discovered TRUTH, join Bekhten on his quest! He is just one man, and your Empire needs all the help it can get!
I have seen others! There is another Bekhten, even, among you! Come, throw off the shackles of honour and embrace the gloriousness of honesty!

• "Kill All That You Can Kill"
• "Shower With Men"
• "Knock Up Foreign Broads"
• "All The Grits You Can Eat"
• "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
• "Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
• "Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
• "Cubicles Are For Wusses"
• "Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
• "Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
• "Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
• "Beat Up Sailors"
• "We Won't Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
• "Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
• "Don't Ask, Don''t Tell, Don't Accessorize"
• "Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
• "Play Doom? For Real!"
• "Sure Beats Lurnin'!"
• "Because Terminators Are Real"

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline', I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.

An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the damn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.

The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the damn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.

Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to *How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet*. And how was your Day?

• Operation Enduring Recession
• Operation Cleaning Up Daddy's Mess
• Operation Liberty Eagle Flag God Bless Freedom Patriot Mountains' Majesty
• Operation Infinite Gullibility
• Operation We Can't Find Osama So This Will Have to Do
• Operation Gotta Do Something With All These Tomahawk Missiles Lying Around
• Operation Inspect THIS
• Operation Pay No Attention to the Economy Behind That Curtain
• Operatition Dessert Tornerado
• Operation Thumb Our Nose at the Rest of the World, Especially Those Whiny French Weasels
• Operation Who's My Daddy?
• Operation Because I Said So
• Operation Desert Storm II: Iraqi Boogaloo
• Operation Dude, Where's My Oil?
• Operation Halliburton Up 17 1/3
• Operation Macho Cowboy
• Operation Our God is Bigger Than Your God
• Operation The Lord of the Rings, Part II: The Two Towers (Proudly Sponsored by New Line Cinema)
• Operation Totally Not Just About Oil
• Operation Ank-Spay Ussein-Hay
• Operation Deja Vu-etnam
• Operation Do Over
• Operation Enduring Supply of Crude
• Operation Junior's Turn
• Operation Nobel Peace Prize *This*
• Operation Retake the Senate
• Operation Test the Latest Boy Toys
• Operation Wag the Dog
• Operation Who Is This Kofi Guy Anyway?

• "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
• "Does this tie make me look stupid?"
• "I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
• "No hablo ingles."
• "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."
• "No, but taking it *off* sure does."
• "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
• "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
• "Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."
• "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
• "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
• "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
• "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
• "CENTCOM cannot verify that at this time."
• "Define 'fat.'"
• "Fatter than what?"
• "Honey, it's not your clothes that are making you look fat -- it's your poor diet and sedentary lifestyle."
• "Let's see... on a scale of Oprah to Michelin Man, I'd say you're less than Anna Nicole but just above a Whoopi."
• "Well, it doesn't not make you look the opposite of unfat."
• "Yes, but in a cute baby-fat kind of way."
• Anything at all if you happen to stutter while saying it.
• "Don't worry, with that schnozz, no one's gonna be looking at your ass."
• "It depends -- is that supposed to be a thong?"
• "Just a little bit, around your jowls."
• "No, but it looks better on your sister."
• "No, but the maharajah riding on your back has got to go."
• "Oh, sweetheart, I love you no matter *what* size you are!"
• "Omigod, I'm *BLIND*!!!!"
• "Only in direct light."
• "Only while you're wearing it"
• "Uh, what? I'm sorry, the next few sexless months of my life just flashed before my eyes."
• "Well, no, but that awning you're trying to pass off as a halter-top sure does."
• "Yes, but it takes attention away from that really bad make-up job."

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

• After whacking a guy, stick around to help with the cleanup.
• Appeal to the younger generation by changing spelling of "Mafia" to "Maphia."
• Rub out that annoying kid in the Dell commercials.
• Gala "Mafia Awards" ceremony hosted by Hollywood's brightest stars.
• New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again!
• Oh I don't know, maybe stop killing everybody.
• Three words: Mafia Book Club.
• Every once in a while, make someone an offer they can refuse.

Question : What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer : I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
Suggestion : I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

Question : You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of time. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer : My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only non-competent employees.
Suggestion : I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.

Question : How do you handle change?
Real answer : I deal with it everyday unless I'm out of clean underwear.
Suggestion : I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

Question : : How do you get along with others?
Real answer : I hate people, as long as they stay out of my face.
Suggestion : I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

Question : What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer : It means that I don't have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.
Suggestion : Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

Question : What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer : It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.
Suggestion : Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.
Suggestion : I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Question : Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Real answer : I don't get angry. I get even.
Suggestion : Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.

Question: Can I contact your references?
Real answer : Sure, but they wont know who I am.
Suggestion : Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.

Question: What words best describe you?
Real Answer: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy
Suggestion: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient

• Liberals are expected to accept every new loony spiritual fad with open arms, no matter how off-the-wall it is. When someone calling himself Swami Sittinanda Dakhadabey gives a lecture on Soul Duality, every other liberal in earshot must embrace it or be branded "closed minded."
• All liberals are assumed to be promiscuous. And omnisexual. While that was great fun in the 70s when I was in my 20s, it isn't as much fun as it used to be.
• Liberals are in dead earnest about everything. We take things way too seriously. NO sense of humor at all.
• Liberals don't dance as couples. They dance solo. Or in big groups.
• Liberals think too much. When you have a roomful of people arguing over whether it is better to use cloth napkins (don't kill trees) or paper napkins (don't pollute with phosphates), that's too much thinking.
• Liberals want to be monolithic in their support for causes. If I oppose big business and monopolies, it's assumed that I oppose Chinese occupation of Tibet (I do), the war against Iraq (I do, with reservations), and genetically altered grain (I don't).
• Liberals use big words and long sentences. With the exception of some of the strike rhetoric of the 60s, you will never win over a bunch of liberals with slogans and sound bites. We wants facts, logic, and syllogisms. That means you have to work harder when trying to convince a bunch of liberals about much of anything.
• Liberals, especially male caucasians, will never admit that anyone who isn't a male straight caucasian may be wrong.
• Liberals, especially caucasians, carry more unearned guilt than five hundred Catholic families.
• Liberals never get it through their heads that things will never get better. So they keep working to make the world better for everyone in it and, in the process, annoying the hell out of those who just want to sit back and not be bothered.

• The parties. I have never found myself saying "Hi, I'm Stephen, damned glad to meet you" at a party full of liberals. I've also never found myself jamming at one in the morning at a party full of conservatives.
• The food. You won't find jello carrot salad at a liberal fundraiser.
• The languages. There's something very empowering about carrying on a conversation at a party in Polish, German, Spanish and English all at the same time. At gatherings where conservatives congregate, I'm lucky to find people who can string more than four words together in grammatical English.
• The arguments. Conservatives spend a lot of time saying, "Oh, yes, I agree!" Liberals, on the other hand, tend to start statements with "Well, that's true, but..." followed by a ten minute diatribe on why you are completely wrong, even if they really agree with you. Then it's your turn, not to mention when someone else jumps in, whether invited or not.
• Outrageousness. Conservatives are uniform, plain, bland. It is not without good cause that my wife (far more liberal than I) refers to her plain cotton bras as "Republican bras." Liberals are colorful, multicolored (literally and figuratively), bright-hued, sparkly, and lively. And just plain outrageous, willing to do almost anything to get a "wow" out of someone. Preferably a conservative.
• Birkenstocks. My feet finally sealed my political convictions when I gave up military oxfords for birks.
• The guilt. (I know I listed this as something I hate, but what the hell...) Since I left the Catholic Church I felt remarkably guilt-free. Now that I am a liberal, I feel responsible for everything from slavery to the death of algae in the Antarctic ice cap. Every time I feel like my guilt is beginning to dissipate, I listen to NPR and it comes back. It keeps me humble.
• The music. Tom Lehrer's "Folk Song Army" is as valid today as it was thirty-five years ago:

  We are the folk song army
  Every one of us cares,
  We all hate poverty, war, and injustice,
  Unlike the rest of you squares!

  Still, it beats the hell out of "I'm Proud To Be An American."
• More interesting scandals. You gotta admit that, although as constitutional issues Iran/Contra and Watergate were abominations, the Big Dawg getting a blowjob in the corridor behind the Oval Office was a lot more fun to read about than delivering a cake to the Ayatollah. Liberals play fast and lose with traditional mores. Conservatives play fast and lose with established legal concepts.
• Somehow or other, despite everything going against us, we still have this silly idea that we can make things better. When the entire State of Nebraska votes Republican, that's when the liberals crowd into the state Democratic headquarters, bang heads together and say "What the hell are you thinking?" We're at our best when the odds are the shortest. And we keep plugging along. Conservatives win because they have the laws of political inertia on their side. Liberals win because we have more energy, more enthusiasm, and more faith.

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

• Our complete lack of moral fiber opens up a whole world of poop jokes.
• We have 32% more short, overweight, four-eyed, chessplaying band geeks.
• Every time conservatives think of something funny enough to laugh out loud, they risk injury to the tightened muscles around the mouth and rectum.
• Because Marx said it was historically inevitable.
• It's hard to be funny with a silver stick up your butt.
• After almost 30 years, we once again have someone named "Dick" to make jokes about.
• Because jokes about victim classes are funnier than jokes about stock portfolio management.
• The conservatives refuse to run any items that use the phrase "monkey feces."
• It's better to be a bleeding heart than a raging ass.
• We go over the line and we sound like Sally Struthers. They go over the line and they sound like Hitler.
• We bask in the tradition of such figures as Richard Pryor, Whoopie Goldberg, Dennis Miller, and Robin Williams. They've got Charlton Heston, Rush Limbaugh and Ted Nugent.
• Harder to make funny faces with a white hood over your head.
• Few things spell Comedy Gold better than a heart attack.
• Because unemployed liberal layabouts have more time for writing material than hard-working conservatives.

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

• Rush Limbaugh Ate My Baby Brother!
• Jesse's a Funny Name For a Boy, Isn't It?
• The Lyin', the Bitch, and the Wardrobe: the Ann Coulter Story
• Yertle the Unlawful Combatant Turtle
• Heather Has Two Mommies Who Are Going To Hell
• Horton Hears a Who (And Turns Him In to the Authorities Like a Good Citizen Should), by John Ashcroft
• Belittle Women, by Phyllis Schlafly
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas Back From Those Money-grubbing Welfare Moms
• Where Babies Come From Is None of Your Business
• Where the Wild Things Are: The Blue States
• The Fat Cat in the Hat Gets a Tax Cut
• One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Glowing Green Fish, Because Trent Lott Doesn't Care Who Dumps Toxic Waste into Our Lakes and Rivers
• If I Ran the Zoo, Those Lazy Animals Would Have to Work for Their Food and Lodging
• The Little Female Engine That Couldn't Because It Would Make the Boys Think She's a Bitch
• Harry Potter and the Cross of Fire
• Curious George Invades Iraq
• Curious George Goes "Oops!" and Turns the Middle East into a Plain of Glass
• Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret Thatcher
• American Elections: A Series of Unfortunate Events
• The Emperor's New Clothes, or Economy? What Economy? Clinton's Penis! War on Terror! Saddam is Evil!, by the GOP Leadership Council
• How to Eat Fried Worms, and Other Ideas of William F. Buckley's to Replace Food Stamps
• Rush and the Magical Voices in His Head
• Greenspan and the Three Bear Markets
• The Big Fat Man with the Big Fat Mouth Gets A Radio Show

1 star hangover * - No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka red bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover * * - No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * * - Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends, after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * * - You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems depending on your gender. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following: Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * * - You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ... very gently.

6 star hangover * * * * * * - You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

"Yes, I know doctor," she replied. "And we aren't going to hurt each other at all, are we?"

• Bull Market: a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• Bear Market: a 6-to-18 month period where the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets none.
• Momentum investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.
• Value investing: the art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E Ratio: the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• Broker: poorer than you were last year.
• "Buy, Buy": a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
• Stock Analyst: idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• Stock split: When you ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets evenly among themselves.
• Financial planner: a guy who actually remembers his wallet when he goes to 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
• Market correction: the day after you buy stocks.
• Cash flow: the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• Day trader: someone who is disloyal 9-5.
• Cisco: sidekick of Pancho.
• Yahoo: what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 a share.
• Windows 2000: WHat you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 a share.
• Institutional investor: Past-year investor who is now locked up in the nuthouse.
• Profit: religious guy who talks to God.
• Martha Stewart: just started talking to God.
• Bill Gates: where God goes for a loan.
• Alan Greenspan: God.

"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."

"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."

"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."

"I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region."

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive position and have a tremendous impact on history."

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

* Drink liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid.' Say: 'The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
Perhaps

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as 'Q.E.D.,' 'e.g.,' and 'i.e.' These are all short for 'I speak Latin, and you do not.'

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, perhaps they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
You're putting the cart before the horse.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what 'parameters' means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says, '"Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."

OR

You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa."
You say, "You're being defensive."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.

• Principal-shaped voodoo doll
• His naked wife
• The long-hidden portal to the Seventh Gate of Hell
• An Al-Queda cell
• A copy of "Drug-Dealing For Dummies"
• Guardian statues, jars containing your organs, and a solid fourteen-carat gold sarcophagus
• A mass of wires and an alarm clock ominously ticking down from five seconds
• His missing testicles
• The guy he replaced last month, looking not-so-fresh
• The paws, muzzle, and leash from last week's cafeteria special, "Tuna Surprise"
• The remnants of his effigy from the Homecoming Week bonfire
• Your in-progress Science Fair project on "Traditional Medicinal Herbs From Mexico"
• The school mascot- apparently, goats *can't* survive by eating trash
• Your secret shrine to him, complete with night-vision photos

• "If you want a general idea about what the first exam will be like, take your pencil, set it on fire and shove it in your ear. The exam will be a similar experience."
• "Think about what else T.A. stands for. That's what you gotta give up to get ahead in this class."
• "Ok, you need to get this right for the first exam, so pay attention. You put your right foot in. You put your right foot out. You put your right foot in and you shake it all about. With me so far?"
• "I should warn you all now, the professor's wife left him the morning before he wrote the test."
• "Tell the professor he's an idiot. He loves being challenged."
• "Look on the bright side, a test score this low proves that you didn't cheat."
• "He's really ticklish. I'd use that to your advantage."
• "Now that the cyanide tablet is safely placed in your mouth, don't breathe."
• "She can't fail you if you're suicidal."
• "Make sure to tell him you're well above the age of consent."
• "After the exam ask the professor if his hot 18 year old daughter, Samantha, would like to attend your fraternity's finals week parties."
• "It's kind of a nutty thing the old guy does. When he announces 'Pop Quiz,' he expects everyone in class to get up and race him for the soda machines in the hall."
• "He grades on the curve for humor: always submit essays written in Pig Latin."
• "Dude, the prof TOTALLY likes the low cut shirts on you, Brian."
• "If you planned on failing spectacularly out of school anyway, do it now as a favor to the rest of the class to try and boost the curve."
• "Why bother studying? You're just gonna lose out on all the good jobs to rich kids with connections."
• "...you mix the Kool-Ade right in with the Everclear, and she'll never be able to tell exactly how much liquor she's really had...."
• "Don't hit on the professor. She's MINE."
• "She just got a boob job, so make sure you notice."
• "The trick is to remember Columbus was wrong, the world *is* flat."
• "Tell the prof his class interferes with your 'soaps', he'll understand."

• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
• Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
• If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
• Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
• Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
• Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
• Tell me how bad you have it so I won't ask for anything from you.
• When asking me to do the work you don't want to do, don't say, "Can you do me a favor?" Cause if you really wanted me to do you a favor, you wouldn't like it... like telling you to kiss my ass!

• Stan's Universal Physical Law: Physical properties are determined by whether or not they further the plot of the story.
• The instantaneous addition of 1000 pounds of muscle mass and two feet of height will always rip your shirt clean off but never rip your pants above the knees.
• The amount of butt a female superheroine can successfully kick is directly proportional to the square of her bustline.
• You cannot travel faster than the speed of light... unless you are dodging laser blasts.
• The Mask Principle: Obstruction of the brow-to-nose region by any apparel item (mask, glasses) causes transient synaptic disruption in the observer's inferotemporal cortex, producing temporary prosapagnosia. Result: The wearer becomes immediately unrecognizable, even to close friends, co-workers and family members.
• The most flexible and mutable form of matter is the plot.
• Corollary to Newton's Universal Law of Gravitation: Gravitational force is directly proportional to the masses of interacting objects, except where breasts are concerned.
• Energy can be neither created nor destroyed (unless you have a Cosmic Cube or Ultimate Nullifier).
• The Aureole Assertion: No weapon known to man can tear a female superhero's costume above the waist, unless it is to expose a midriff or shoulder.
• For every death, there is an equal and opposite resurrection-from-death.

• Because Hell is Probably a High School, Too.
• The Cap Goes On Your Head, Not In It.
• Dude, She'll Only Dwell on You for a Week or So...Until the First Time She's in the Back Seat with a Football Player.
• Got Hope?
• You've Failed in Everything You've Tried. What Makes You Think You'll Get This Right?
• Grief Only Lasts a Couple of Months. There Are Better Ways to Make Them Suffer.
• Before You Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil, Shuffle Off to Denny's for a Grand Slam Last Supper!
• Do You Really Want to Miss Mary Kate & Ashley's First Porn?
• Because a Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Get on the Drapes.
• Don't Give Your Kid Brother the Satisfaction.
• Just Because You're Unpopular and Dumb Doesn't Mean You Should Off Yourself, Tubby.
• McDonalds is Hiring.
• 4 out of 5 University Presidents Agree -- We Need Your Tuition Dollars.

• "Okay, the baby will be ready in time for dinner! Now where's that chicken you wanted me to bathe?"
• You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming "Survivor: Australia."
• "Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good at something."
• You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the Jerry Springer Show.
• Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9, but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bullet-proof.
• "Sex? Just turn on UPN, then let me know if you have any questions."
• Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your* father did it.
• You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full recommended daily allowance of floggings.
• All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place -- because you roll the best.
• "Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."
• Your son's junior high classmates gather 'round at lunchtime to watch you breast feed him.
• Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.
• Both the kids get pretty nervous at Thanksgiving when you ask for a moment of silence in honor of Nicole -- then reach for the carving knife.
• "Damn, girl! There's pureed carrots in my coke spoon!"
• "As a physician, Mrs. Spears, I must warn you: Pushing her up to a double-D cup might sell more records, but I'm not sure how much more stress that left one can handle."
• It's nice that your kid is the world's richest man, but he never did learn to play well with others.
• Little Bobby's dream of seeing Disneyland recently superceded by dream of seeing sun through crack in cellar door.
• Son starts asking for *light* beer in his lunch thermos, so he won't feel so bloated during afternoon kickball games.
• You and your son come in third in the balloon toss during "Parent's Day" at Joliet State Prison.
• You fail to understand your daughter's unthankful reaction to your cleaning up that smelly cage AND preparing a delicious lapin a l'orange for the family.
• You hang up on the truant officer because you're busy watching the 2-hour "America's Most Wanted" special featuring your son.
• You're surprised to learn that Hooters doesn't have a children's menu.
• Your six-year-old, angelic, blond daughter is a prodigy -- a WWF Smackdown prodigy.
• "I'm a parent? Christ, I thought those were *your* kids."
• Babysitter interviews always include a swimsuit competition.
• Other parents model themselves after The Brady Bunch. You model yourself after The Bundy Bunch.
• Seatbelts, schmeatbelts -- strap 'em to the roof rack!
• The dated saying, "For all the tea in China" has been replaced in popular culture with "For all the Ritalin at the Fernandashermer house." Your name: Fernandashermer
• Well, Ms. LeTourneau, let me count the ways...
• You can't fix your failures vicariously through your son, no matter how badly you wanted to be elected to a second term.
• You overfeed your kid so you'll have an extra bouncer at your strip club in a few years.
• You refuse to pay more than $50/hour for his prom date.
• You're tired of your son saying, "I'm not Timmy, Mr. Nelson -- I'm Suzy from next door!"
• Your child has filed to become an emancipated minor -- and you're only in your second trimester.
• Your family snapshots website has risen to number 23 on the Top 100 Free Porn list.
• Your neighbor's kids: Childish fun with whoopee cushion. Your kids: Childish fun with anthrax samples that you brought home from work at the lab.
• Your son has to spend his days in an itchy dog costume because a pet sitter is cheaper than daycare.

• Four words: Associate Justice John Shaft. Can ya dig it?
• So tie votes can be broken by steel cage death matches.
• Right now the tenth chair is taken by Scalia's teddy bear, and it just hasn't been writing enough opinions lately.
• As clearly stated in the recently restored Constitution, "The President shall have the right to stack the Supreme Court in his favor wheneer he feels like it."
• One step closer to getting enough people to fulfill Scalia's dream- rob three Vegas casinos in one night...
• The plot's been bogging down, and the ratings are slipping.
• Help the Judicial Branch catch up to the sheer mass of idiocy in the Executive and Legislative branches.
• Get some younger blood on the court, so Clarence Thomas doesn't have to endure all those "Back when I was your age..." stories all by himself.
• Because having a tie vote is just the thing the court needs to liven it up a little.
• In the "Supreme Court Fantasy Football League," no more bye weeks!
• The Justices will be able to form a perfect pyramid, as soon as Ginsberg and Reinquist stop arguing over who's the peak.
• Need an even number of players for the Court's basketball tournement.
• That way David Souter won't be the only one on the sidelines during Justice Square Dance Time.
• The current "hot chick quotient" is dangerously low. Sandra Day O'Connor can only do so much.
• A "ten-man battle royal" sound better than a "nine-man battle royal."

• He uses visualization techniques, but asks everyone to visualize his funeral.
• Tony Robbins: Ballroom at the Hilton.
  Your speaker: Men's room at the mall.
• His three-step motivational program consists of Prozac, Valium, and Zoloft.
• His signature affirmation? "Ah, screw it."
• "Everyone has the ability to make as much money as they want, but first you have to get rid of that bitch of an ex-wife who claims to need child support even though she now lives with a power-stock broker in a house the size of Mount Rushmore.
• Previous seminar topic: "10 steps to a better you."
  Current seminar topic: "Who gives a rat's ass?"
• "Damnit, bartender, this glass is half-empty again!"
• Spends half the seminar griping about how the zipper teeth on his fanny pack has seperated and his Fruit Roll-Ups keep falling out.
• "These? These are tears of joy... and... and this is a gun of happiness!"
• Makes a noose out of the microphone cord while looking upward for an exposed beam.
• "Okay, for our first exercise, you will all come up to the podium and just KILL ME NOW!"
• "If you can dream it, you can do it- but I wouldn't bother if I were you. The world's going to hell anyway.
• "Set your long-term goals high, but your short-term goals low. For instance, my long-term goal is to jump off the Empire State Building- but for today, I'm going to try my garden shed."
• His "Feeling Down? Down a Shot of Jack!" speech starts to lose it's edge after the seventh glass.
• His ego and energy level have both dropped alarmingly low- to only twice the levels of the general public.
• Starts off with a 20-minute slide presentation on "The Dodo- When We're All Extinct, What Will It All Matter?"
• "And if you wake up every morning thinking that *you're* the biggest loser in the world, just think of me. Sweet corn-shucking Jesus Christ Almighty, people, just think of *me*."
• Screams "Free the Water!" as he liberates his urine from the contents of his bladder.
• The title of his speech: "Why Even Bother?"
• WorldCom just called to cancel his upcoming "It's Not a Lie If You Believe It!" speaking engagement.
• His seminar is titled, "Harnessing the Power of Self-loathing."
• Kicks things off by leading everyone in a group raspberry.
• "Finishing last is ok- as long as you don't make an utter fool of yourself in the process. Trust me on this one, folks."
• "The key to a happy and sucessful life? Don't marry a soul-sucking, bank-account-draining minion of Satan.
• Asks everyone in the audience to just stay in their seats while he flips through his high school yearbook and sobs softly.
• Everybody gets a workshop kit consisting of a razor blade and a fifth of Jack Daniels.
• After failing to catch you during a "trust fall," he replies, "Welcome to the reality of life, pal."
• Keeps reminding the audiance that "can" is 50 percent of "cancer."
• "You can do it! You can make a difference! Well, good for you, you smug bastards. I, on the other hand, am a worthless loser."
• "Only *you* have the power- the power to listen to this crap and keep me swimming in Jack Daniels another month.
• Gives a dazzling PowerPoint presentation showing his pool boy getting shot in the face.
• Harnesses the wellsprings of personal power just enough to keep the tears at bay.
• His speech title: "Seven Secrets To Just Barely Getting By."
• The $40 fee goes towards the cost of his Prozac prescriptions.
• Today's topic? "Personal Fulfillment: Stalking the Slut Who Broke Your Heart."

"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitres