This is pretty much a dumping ground for all of my older jokes, the ones I've recently added can be found at the main jokes page.

BTW, some of these jokes are sexual in nature, and a lot of them might be considered offensive in some way or another, so consider yourself warned.

• Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.
• Every time you shift gears, you get pop-up windows out the yazoo.
• The best new feature: optional brakes.
• While waiting at a crosswalk, the ghostly head of Bill Gates suddenly appears over the dash, intoning, "The pedestrian in the red coat displeases me. KILL HER."
• If you drive over 70 mph, you get an error message that reads, "This car has performed an illegal operation and will smack into a wall."
• Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
• Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.
• Car periodically shuts down unexpectedly, subjecting driver to the "blue windshield of death."
• "PineTree air freshener not found. Download now?"
• On-board navigational system keeps displaying maps to nearby porno shops.
• "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.
• Teenaged hacker next door can make it do donuts on your lawn at 3 A.M.
• Three words: traffic jam Minesweeper.
• Comes with a large sunroof, just in case you decide to spontaneously start flying around the neighborhood.
• Instead of turning on the wipers, you must somehow convince the little paperclip guy that it's raining. Too bad you dragged him to the ashtray the first time you started the car.
• It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.
• It runs on unleaded hype.
• It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
• Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
• Options? You'll take whatever options *we* say you'll take.
• Resale value after six or seven years? Forget it.
• Secret missile system seeks out and destroys all Apple cars, Netscape cars and Sun cars.
• Special porn option for rush-hour fun.
• You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
• You slam on the brakes, but nothing happens until the software can confirm that no one else on the Internet is attempting to use a brake system with the same serial number.
• After it crashes, climb out, climb back in and -- viola -- just like nothing ever happened!
• After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.
• Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.
• Drives sluggishly during heavy internet usage.
• If a bug hits your windshield, odds are you'll have to sell the whole car for parts.
• You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

• Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
• Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
• Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
• The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
• Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
• Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
• Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
• Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
• Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
• Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
• Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
• It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
• Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

• Promotes cardiovascular workout over anaerobic "talking about feelings."
• Annual cost for gifts (Christmas, Birthday, etc.): $2000
  Cost of bail for violating restraining order: $200
• You can stalk a much higher class of person than you'd ever get in real life.
• Dinner and a movie with her? Half price!
• Your skill at balancing in a tree (using only one hand) is coming along nicely.
• Get real man! A real relationship is much better than... Whoa! Hang on. My motion detector shower-cam just activated!
• No messy breakup worries! Start taking your medication and the relationship is over!
• Back when you were dating, you only got to see her naked on weekends. But with your new "spy cam", you get to see her naked every night.
• PMS is much easier to deal with through a telescope.
• Never wonder if she's cheating on you.
• The no-surprise factor when served with the restraining order.
• You spend no money, you never have to inflate her and she is always waiting for you in the porn shop window.
• Katie Couric has never personally told me she minds when I leave the toilet seat up at her house.
• All the excitement of the hunt with none of the tedium of actually listening to 'em.
• When your current stalkee finds out you're stalking another, they don't get upset.

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse, I rode her mother once."

"Jane" - News Anchor in Michigan:
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, she turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Greg Norman:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter:
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."

Terry Venables:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Ron Atkinson:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it, you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them."

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc.

Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now? The new service in their black uniforms with their initials in large white letters across their backs?

FATASS

• "Friends" don't place collect calls to friends without using 1-800-CALL-ATT.
• We can't "just be friends" because of our anatomical differences. You see, you are an asshole and I am not!
• Your personality is annoying, your conversation is inane drivel, and your sense of humor is non-existent. Take away the sex and you make me want to jump off a building.
• It would just confuse the dogs.
• You've still got your hands on the knife you used to stab me in the back.
• I would have to like you to be your friend.
• I don't really like you and I've already slept with you and all your friends so I think it's time to move on.
• Because now I'm dating your mother!
• The $25,000,000 alimony suit, for starters.
• The restraining order says 100 yards and that makes friendship tough.

• Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.
• When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me.
• The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia.
• The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.
• As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check.
• The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd.
• His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long.
• Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't.
• The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.
• From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user.
• The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?
• There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make every-thing you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.
• Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell.
• The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.
• His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff.
• She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.
• The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping.
• Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they covered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Eccotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

And the winner....

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

A late nominee for this years Darwin Award.... from the Orlando Sentinel > Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt > Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf > course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, > Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in > the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies up'd the ante by > spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus > wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed >his > threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately >for >Sanchez, > the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground > than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the >weakest >link. > Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was > plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other >testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.

• When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
• Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
• When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
• When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
• When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
• When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
• Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
• When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
• When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
• When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
• When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
• When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
• When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
• Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
• Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

• You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.
• You have the munchie food right in front of you and you forget to eat 'em.
• You light a cigarette and forget to smoke it.
• You smoke a cigarette that's not lit.
• You stare at the clock waiting for 4:20 to come, then you snap out of it and realize it was 4:31.
• You have a freshly packed bowl in your hand and half an hour later you realize... You forgot to smoke it.
• You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.
• When you are looking for your cigarette and it is in your hand!
• Freakazoid starts making sense.
• You think Detroit Rock City is the coolest movie in the world. (or Dude, Where's My Car)
• you think about things like who would win if Spiderman and Megaman fought.
• you think cartoon characters are FINE (e.g. Jessica Rabbit, Ariel, Josie and the Pussycats...)
• "Huh?" is a predominant part of your everyday language.
• you laugh at Discovery Channel programming.
• your TV is constantly tuned in to the Cartoon Network.
• everytime you cough, it sounds like the garbage disposal. (note: haha, that must mean my mom's a stoner!)
• everything looks to you like those nickel movies at Disneyland.
• you're watching CNN for 30 minutes before you realize it and change it to the Simpsons.
• you have womanlike mood swings when your stash runs out.
• you have used tampon wrappers or bible paper to twist a joint.
• weed money comes before rent money.
• write newsletters, play Tetrinet, eat cheese and watch comedy central all day. Even if you haven't smoked the stuff in a week.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Reasons For Leaving Last Job:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

Special Requests and Job Activities:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

First on his executive wish list is a coordinating authority to oversee the production of patriotic textiles. "It's been sad to see the great nation stumble in producing the caps, T-shirts, and flags needed to adequatedely respond to the events of September 11th," the president said. "The new Department of Patriotic Textiles will mobilize our patriotic textile capabilities and see to it that we never again need to turn to the Chinese in our time of need."

The president appointed his mother, Barbara Bush, as the first leader of the new department. "She's one hell of a knitter," says Bush advisor Karl Rove.

In a show of bi-partisanship that has reigned since the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, Bush is also acting on a request from Representative Richard Gephardt: the immediate formation of a new Office of Airline Philanthropy. Gephardt, standing at Bush's side, said "I'm pleased to be here to take part in the nomination of US Airways CEO Rakesh Gangwal, under whose leadership, the Office of Airline Philanthropy will ensure than no airline, no matter how poorly run, will fail."

Also proposed are a new Department of Alarmism, and an Office for Historical Simplification. The two cabinet agencies will work together closely, the Office for Historical Simplification boiling down complex histories to black-and-white slogans, and the Department of Alarmism acting on misinterpretations of those slogans to scare citizens witless at least twice a week by suggesting further terrorist attacks.

"I sincerely hope that we will be able to more efficiently keep the American people in a state of nervous panic," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. Ashcroft has been criticized by pro-alarmists for his performance over the past month. He claims that he'd have been able to make more outrageous, vague comments regarding the possible deaths of thousands of people if he hadn't had his hands full with a criminal investigation. "I am ready to work with the new Secretary, whomever that may be, to produce truly terrifying and unsubstantial waves of alarmism."

Not everybody in Washington agrees that the new Cabinet positions are a good idea. "The appointment of Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge to lead the new Office of Homeland Security seemed an isolated exception to the president's disdain for increasing the size of government. I agreed with him. But now, well, I'm not sure where he gets off," Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said on Meet the Press. "His proposal for a 'Ministry of Truth' is sure to upsetting to my constituents."

The Ministry of Truth, if created, would work hand-in-hand with the Office for Double-Standard Clarification. According to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, "Claims such as 'Air Force One was a target' need credible and demonstrable proof if they are to be made. That's where the Ministry of Truth comes in; this executive body will be responsible for finding—or fabricating—the evidence to back up bogus claims of White House spokesmen and presidential advisors. 90% approval is something worth preserving, folks."

The Office of Double-Standard Clarification will be responsible for explaining and dismissing apparent contradictions such as the US seeking alliance with Pakistan and Iran in the war against terrorist-supporting nations. As we went to press, few details were available as to whether any qualified candidates have been born yet.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

• If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
• When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
• When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
• Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
• Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
• If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
• When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
• When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
• When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
• When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
• When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
• If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any!
• If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number."

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f *** ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

• Genuine Monroe culture shocks
• Transmission reads: "P, N, Back This Thang Up, D"
• That wrap-around sofa you're sitting on? One big subwoofer.
• "If You Can Read This I'm Gonna Put A Cap In Yo Ass" bumper sticker
• Anti-profiling feature: the driver's side tinted window has a white driver painted on it.
• Snow chains? 24-carat gold, G.!
• Built-in Eminem-Hypno-Ray to make any clueless middle-class white dork feel like a real gangsta.
• Dashboard warning light alerts you when you're not getting your props.
• Iz-air condizzioning
• Spare defense lawyer in the trunk
• GangStar Weed-Trac system -- gives you the quickest cop-free route to your nearest dealer.
• HoJack recovery system
• Voice turn signals declare, "Out th' way, punk bitch!" "Out th' way, punk bitch!" "Out th' way, punk bitch!"
• For those long trips: the "Pee-Diddy"

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
• Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• And your cry-baby whiney-butt opinion would be...?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Mistakes have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• I though I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

• You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
• There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
• You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
• Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
• You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
• You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together atleast a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
• You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "crap".
• July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
• All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
• Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

• Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
• Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
• When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
• Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
• Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
• Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
• Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
• If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
• Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
• Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
• Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
• Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
• When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

• Photos from the '85 Xmas party show a tipsy Peggy Noonan let the veep feel "a couple points of light."
• "And the funny part is, I never even learned to READ!"
• Arms for Hostages also included Arms for Peanut Butter and Arms for Those Cool Pens Where the Women's Clothes Come Off When You Turn Them Upside Down.
• Bush the Elder's memo to Ollie North: "New donor wants to aid illegal Contra fund, contact our mujahadin friend in Kabul, codename: 'Osama.'"
• Nobody was lying when they said they didn't know anything. But they weren't generalizing, either.
• Nancy called the shots. Oh-- never mind; we already knew that.
• George Bush Senior's letter to his friends in the oil industry promising any leftover Contra funds to anyone willing to hire George W.
• War on Drugs Exemptions, Part IV, Paragraph A.1.b: "George W. Bush shall be exempt from prosecution for cocaine use."
• Although the Reagans had highly-paid personal astrologers, they pretty much went by the horoscope column in the Washington Post.
• The Iran-Contra coloring book (Ronnie colored way outside the lines)
• Tipsy George Sr. in red dress signing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" to an embarrassed Reagan
• Trees actually do cause air pollution-- if you're an ammonia-breathing alien.
• James Watt was later beaten up by a black, a woman, two Jews, and a cripple. They took turns.
• Enough Iran-Contra evidence to make the Watergate "smoking gun" tapes look like a Van Dankien book
• Dan Quayle's correspondence game of Tic-Tac-Toe with George W.
• The Presidential Filo-Fax filled with sketches of cowboys and airplanes

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: When you're ready for them, and when you're not ready for them.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
• Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
• When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
• Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
• When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Al Gore
• "The future will be better tomorrow." -Vice President Al Gore
• "Public speaking is very easy." -Vice President Al Gore, 10/95
• "I am not part of the problem, I am a Democrat." -Vice President Al Gore
• "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -Vice President Al Gore
• "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96
• "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
• "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Vice President Al Gore
• "As many of you know, I was very instrumental in founding the internet." -Al Gore to Katie Couric, 3/99

• "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning." -Florence, SC, Jan. 11, 2000
• "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -Reuters, May 5, 2000
• "I think we agree, the past is over." -Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
• "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
• "I understand small business growth. I was one." -New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
• "We ought to make the pie higher." South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb 15, 2000
• "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -Perseverance Month at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, NH
• "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -Greater Nashua, NH, Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
• "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" -New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999
• "When it is all said and done, I will have made more money than I ever dreamed I would make." -Source & Date unknown

The motorist the replied, "Why I have a great job! I'm a cunt stretcher." "A WHAT?" the cop asked. "I'm a cunt stretcher" the man said. "I first put my finger inside a woman's cunt and then I put another in, then another, then my whole hand, then both hands, until eventually she has a six foot cunt."

The cop looked aghast. "What the HELL is a person gonna do with a six foot cunt, boy?" The motorist then replied, "Give him a radar gun and hide him behind a billboard."

• Seattle Protest Barbie- Complete with painted sign, handcuffs, and double-tall latte! (Anarchist Ken sold separately)
• The Al Gore Doll- So real, it's almost life-like!
• Toy Story 2 adult action figures- Buzzed Lightyear and Morning Woody
• H2-Oh! - Pop it into the freezer and it magically becomes a cold, frosty treat!
• Celery Monster- Cookie Monster's anorexic older sister
• Day Trader Barbie- comes with notebook computer, cell phone, 9mm handgun and emergency cyanide pill
• My First Nipple Ring- Be the first on your block to be banned by your friends' Moms!
• Lower G.I. Joe- Teaches your youngster the joy of colonic irrigation
• PokeYerMom Oedipal Trading Cards
• Crips n' Bloods Operation- "Use the forceps to remove the cap from your ass! But don't set off the buzzer!"
• Potty Training Taco Bell Chihuahua- Teaches Junior where to "Drop the Chalupa."

• How many Crane does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in, the other two to clap for him in court.
• How many Dragon? We don't know yet. They won't stop contemplating the lightbulb.
• How many Lion? One. Because Akodo said so.
• How many Phoenix? Two, since their leaders are too weak to do anything without the Shiba.
• How many Scorpion? Ten. Nine to distract it, and one to take it by surprise and screw it in before it knows what's going on.
• How many Unicorn? The punchline has something to do with barbarians having sex with horses, well I can't remember the rest but your mother's a whore.
• How many Crab does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NONE! We aren't afraid of the dark!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintainage, down to earth.
Your approach: Challenege her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender drinks
Personality: Flakey, whiney, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your approach: You won't have to approach her; if she's interested she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported beer: He likes good beer and want to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

• Trailing her fingers over his face, tracing his features, Heather stared deeply into Lance's eyes with an impish grin on her face. With a pixie's laugh she said, "Pull my finger."
• Every man she fell for was the same... violent, self-centered, deceptive. But, it would be different this time. She had finally met an honest professional - a member of the WWF!
• While doing the Polka, Anna would dance up against his bulge, then quickly dance away. Twenty minutes of this sensuous dance was all the foreplay she needed.
• She could still remember their night of passion 8 to 10 days ago when strange red boils bloomed on her dewey petal.
• His heart pounded as she slowly unbuttoned her sweater. His desire was almost unbearable as she slowly let it fall. His eyes grew wider as her left breast finally saw the light. Then, a second later, her right. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, her milky white center breast joined the party.
• As their eyes locked over the smoldering ruins of the Japanese city, he growled in passion as only a giant radioactive lizard can.
• Constance sighed softly, bemoaning the loss of her one true love, and then pulled the trigger launching an AIM-9 Sidewinder heat-seeking missle off the rails of her F-14/D fighter, watching is slowly spiral into theengine intake of her lover's MIG, watching it explode, and then radioing back to the USS John Stennis (CVN-72), "Splash one...heart."
• Her lips glistened like a fresh cow pie.
• "Oh, Miss Reno, you ignite fires deep in my soul!" "Oh, please, call me 'Janet!'"
• Slowly Joey Buttafucco lifted Amy's veil...
• Lana's eyes blazed into Antonio's as "their song" slowly wafted up behind them: "You put you left foot in, you put your left foot out..."

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

With a little help from our friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

What was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

These nitwits are teaching our children?

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

-and-

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

Some days, it just doesn't help to gnaw through the leather straps.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

The getaway!

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Too well educated?

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Did I say that?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, that smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the- Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are we communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

• The Kiddie Pick: When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
• Camouflaged Kiddie Pick: When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
• Fake Nose Scratch: When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
• Making a Meal Out of It: You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
• Surprise Pickings: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
• Autopick: The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. NOTE: Someone is always looking.
• Pick Your Brains: Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
• Pick and Save: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
• Pick and Roll: No explanation needed.
• Pick and Flick: ditto.
• Pick and Stick: You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
• Paydirt: The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

• Make us all feel safer by driving around in Humvees, in full uniform, using bullhorns to announce "There is no reason to panic! Remain calm!"
• Not quite sure what they'd do, but they had better not try to unionize, damn it!
• Do door-to-door Christmas purchase inventories; make list of those not "patriotically spending."
• In preparation for accidents, verify cleanliness of each citizen's underwear.
• Guarding Britney's virginity.
• Taking the place of the wooden soldiers in holiday mall displays.
• Round up suspected Democrats during a liberal Kristalnacht.
• They can make certain the suspects don't bump their head when being shoved into the dark van on the way to their military tribunal and summary execution.
• Cool! They can be another force of people to fiddle while Rome burns.
• "You in the Buick -- if you don't quit hovering behind that Honda and take one of the 50 other parking spaces in this lot, the terrorists will have won!"
• Great opportunity for testing Reebok jackboots.
• Secure a cross-country network of undisclosed cardiac care facilities for housing Dick Cheney.
• What, you got a problem with Fatherland--I mean Homeland Security?!
• Act as "independent observers" during the next election to ensure another "proper count."

• Claire Sargent, a failed Arizona senatorial candidate: "I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough."
• Newt Gingrich, for his attempt to explain how teachers should and should not be selected: "You can now get a certificate to teach German by sitting through enough classes, but if you speak German, you can't teach German, you can't teach German if you don't have a certificate. So you can have a German teacher who can't speak German but they have the certificate so they can teach, even though they can't teach. If you can speak it, you can't teach it, even if you could teach it. Are you with me so far?"
• David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor when discussing his failure to pay taxes: "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
• Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC, discussing the crime rate: "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
• Former Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo on his view of the cause of crime: "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
• Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools in Barrington, Rhode Island: "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
• Paul O'Neill, Treasury secretary on the safety of nuclear reactors: "If you set aside the Three Mile Island and Chernobyl, the safety record of nuclear is really very good."

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man's birthday is coming up, so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words -- "Beautiful Butt", tattooed on her butt. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".

She then tells the man she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her cheeks.

The man tells her "I can't fit that on your butt, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each cheek and that can stand for "Beautiful Butt."

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and she is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing and bends over.

Her husband yells, "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?!"

• The only character the lead actress hasn't slept with is Fido. Next week's episode: "Every Dog Has His Day"
• The gruff-but-loveable NYPD detective partner is killed off and replaced by one of the Backstreet Boys.
• Dawson and Pacey rekindle the flame when their grandchildren unwittingly place them in the same nursing home.
• Every time a member of the press corps says the words, "Mr. President," the White House Chief of Staff removes another item of clothing.
• Jonathan Winters is still available if you need a toddler.
• The profanity and violence, once "real" and "shocking," now seems overdone and pointless. And Mojo Jojo really seems to be phoning it in lately.
• For some unexplained reason, the entire cast takes a trip to England to meet the Queen.
• This week on a very special "Will and Grace," Jack goes camping and learns that there's more than one way to pitch a tent.
• Their latest attempt to "keep it real" got the entire cast arrested on public urination charges.
• The aroma wafting from the writers' room changes from cannabis to glue.
• "You rag-tag, fun-loving camp counselors are just the kind of people NASA is looking for to man the new space station!"
• "Tonight, on a very special Jackass..."
• Cousin Oliver just sits around belching and picking food out of his beard.
• Dennis Franz has been bugging the producers about some full frontal time for "Little Dennis."
• That new Orenthal guy on "Big Brother" seems strangely familiar.

• Evolution 101: Why dummies might actually make poor sex partners
• Troubleshooting for do-it-yourselfers (NOTE: memorize this chapter BEFORE you go blind!)
• Oh God! Yes!! Oh God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position
• Starting out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?
• Engineering secrets of the bra: Removal in 14 easy steps
• The face: how to tell your lover apart from all those other people
• Chapter 4: "No, you don't *actually* blow."
• Stop masturbating, she's real!
• You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role Playing
• Foreplay: not just for her birthday, Chester
• Putting a condom on a bannana is just for *practice*, dumbass!
• Crouching Doggie, Hidden Missionary: A guide to sexual positions
• "Alternate" lifestyles: Pokeman?
• Hey! Watch those teeth, Vampira!
• Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburgler

• Wait! It's a little tight, but... Yes! The glove does fit!
• I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Satan, Lord of Eternal Hellfire.
• Don't worry, Your Honor- It ain't loaded.
• I request a change of venue to Virginia... no wait, Texas!
• I got your DNA right here, pal!
• Oh yeah? You and what jury?
• Liar! You couldn't have seen me, I was wearing a mask!
• YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Naw, I'm just joking. Bring that bible back here.
• You call these friggen' boneheads of a jury my peers?
• Rape and murder? Absolutely not, You Honor. At least, not in that order.
• Your Honor, with your permission I'd like to play the race card now.
• Who dies and made you Mr. I-Decide-the-Law?

• (Note: I wonder if Andy's reading this....)
• Circumcision reduced its original length by 50%.
• Your wife uses it to floss her teeth.
• You can pee in a bottle. A Coke bottle. Through a straw.
• Your doctor screams, "Call surgery! This man's penis has been severed... oops, false alarm!"
• Lorena makes short work of it with her cuticle scissors.
• When you walk around the house naked, your cat giggles.
• Your Renaissance Festival costume includes a guppypiece.
• "Wait, if that's a wart, then where's your... OH MY GOD!"
• At parties, your ex-girlfriend pointedly says, "Have another cocktail, Frank?" Your name: Ted.
• "And this time, don't bother waking me to tell me you're finished."
• "Next on FOX: Is This Man's Penis Small or WHAT?"
• Rather than have you circumcised, your Rabbi father converted to Shinto and makes regular pilgrimages to the phallus festivals.
• That drilling rig will never find oil, if you know what I mean.
• The hooker says, "Honey, I'm a pro, but you've gotta give me something to work with here."
• Unable to "hit bottom," you have to settle for "banging the hell out of the sides."
• Wearing a Speedo draws unwelcome comparisons to a Ken Doll.
• Well, it's either a small penis or you're a really hairy lesbian with the mother of all yeast infections.
• When asked by a tailor if you dress to the left or the right, you're forced to answer "neither."
• You drive a car that costs more than an average house.
• You twist and warp a major world religion, inflame hundreds of religious fanatics, and convince about 20 of them to hijack four airplanes and crash into a building full of innocent people. (note: the only reason I post this one is because I enjoy laughing at the stupidity of the people who created it)
• Your best pickup line? "Baby, good things come in small packages."

• You can't...until she tells her best friend to tell your best friend.
• She comes up to you and says "I just love fat bald men who drive AMC Pacers and still live with their parents. Want to come home with me?"
• She drops her panties in your shopping cart.
• She maintains eye contact, smiles at you, laughs at your jokes, and is beginning to remove your clothing.
• She doesn't count the money in front of you.
• When you ask for her phone number she writes it lipstick. On your penis!
• Running her finger around the rim of her drink? She might be interested. Running her nipple around the rim of her drink? You're in!
• She dots her i's with little hearts on the restraining order she sends you.
• You've been talking to her for a half hour and she hasn't pepper sprayed you yet.
• OK...that would be by... ummm, you can tell beacause...looking at her...OK...I think I just found out why I'm single.
• Every time she whispers in your ear, she develops an obvious tongue thrust.
• Not only has she given you her phone number, she's given you her cell phone, pager and fax numbers, her home address and a list of references.
• She cleans your kitchen, your bathroom, living room and den, you haven't given her a key, or even invited her in.
• She didn't climb onto your lap because she thinks you're Santa Claus, Chester.
• Those shy glimpses through the eyelashes, the quiet giggle as you walk by, that spiked collar and leash she just snapped around your neck...
• She's lying down, feet up, legs spread, no underwear- and you aren't a gynecologist.

• Can't get enough of those Old Navy commercials.
• Late at night, deep in the cave, he slips on the burka for a slow dance with J. Edgar Hoover.
• Apparently would prefer to spend the rest of eternity with 70 virgins than one action-packed evening with a Jersey girl.
• A beige turban? With a camouflage djellabah? If he's not crazy, his stylist sure is!
• Wonders how come Allah doesn't appear to anyone else in the form of a Power Puff Girl.
• He's decided to get out of the terrorism business and open a Sizzler in Jalalabad.
• Claims that's him playing Gandalf in the "Lord Of The Rings" movies.
• "Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin..."
• He's the only one at the cave's water cooler commenting on how funny last night's "Ellen" was.
• "...so for the lowest prices on cave furnishings, come see me, Nutty Osama, at Nutty Osama's Cave World! I'm nuttier than a fruitcake -- and I will NOT be undersold!"
• He just declared a jihad against pudding. As if anybody could be angry at pudding!
• Chants the "Batman" theme whenever he enters or leaves his cave.
• Is convinced that NOW Jodie Foster will notice him.
• Declared jihad against Dr. John Carter for totally blowing off that hot nurse, Abby.
• Gets all pissed off because nearest Istanbul Pizza Hut won't deliver 800 miles to his cave.
• Abandoned life as a swinging Saudi millionaire to live in a cave in the desert. You do the math.
• Keeps asking Islamabad for A) military support and B) "The Bold and the Beautiful" updates.
• "Look! Sand and more sand, as far as the eye can see! And it's mine! All MINE!!"
• Promises to stop campaign of terror if someone would just UPS a friggin' Xbox to his cave.
• Language problems resulted in him investing millions developing Nerf gas.
• His next evil plot involves a burlap sack full of squirrels and 700 kazoos.

EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those "important" messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.

• You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
• You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
• Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
• The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
• The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
• The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
• If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
• Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
• Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
• You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
• You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
• The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

• I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
• If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
• Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
• What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
• The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
• I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
• One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is "to be prepared"
• May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
• Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
• We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
• I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
• I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
• We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
• Public speaking is very easy.
• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
• I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
• When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
• Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year.
• We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
• The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
• We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
• It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
• [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cookoff, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Doc: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Doc: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Doc: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Doc: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Doc: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Doc: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally the barmaid.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

Doc: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

Doc: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

• Who's your daddy, geekboy?
• Ooh, look! It's *shiny*!
• Does a little more, sucks a little less.
• Now with tailfins!
• It's XP-alidocious!
• All profits go to charity... PSYCH!
• Anti-trust-free since 2001
• "Screens of Death" in all colors of the rainbow!
• Look, lemmings- a cliff!
• Goes down even less than your husband!
• Invest in America! Purchase a completely unnecessary upgrade now! It'll drive the Taliban NUTS!
• Think similar.
• What else ya gonna do, buy a Mac, you artsy-fartsy little weenie?

• Age of Umpires: Beanball Wars
• Frisbee Commando
• Star Trek: Redshirt Rampage!
• Old Yeller: The Game
• Alf-Life: Melmac Avenger
• Resident Elvis
• Ad Exec- destroy competing game systems with rumor, technobabble, and promo bombs!
• Ass Kicker- be the one-legged man in the classic lumberjack sport!
• Captain Cupid's Love Squirtgun
• Funny Magic Flopsy Bunnies Attack!
• Happy Sunshine Shooter- killing is bad, make people happy with magical rainbows.
• Polititian- shoot off bad policies and mudsling your way to office.
• The Librarian- fre books back on the shelf into alphabetical rder, and get bonus points for hitting the punks in the corner with a dictionary.
• Software Competitor Seek and Destroy (proudly presented by Microsoft)

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coolly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before the could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!

• I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
• I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
• A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
• A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
• A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She replied, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

Your're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore me
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a term paper?

Kitty likes plastic,
Confuses with litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.

Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps wake the dead.

I want to be close
To you. CanI fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! My Big One
Has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue.

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp...

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much."

Litter box not here
You moved it on me again
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey."

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

• If two Crabs should meet - the first person to get Yakamo, O-Ushi, The Rock, Worf and a good card into play wins.
• If two Cranes should meet - there will be an arts festival. The first person to draw an accurate portrait of a naked woman wins.
• If two Lion should meet - The person with facial hair wins. Should this prove dificult to calculate the person with the most belly button fluff wins.
• If two Dragon should meet - the first person to use the line "The Dragon are good at everything, but great at nothing" loses.
• If two Scorpion should meet - the person who doesn't drop dead to the floor due to a subtle yet deadly poison applied to the rim of his/her Coke can wins by default.
• If two Mantis should meet - both will roll a blank die. The player with the highest number wins.
• If two Naga should meet - logistically improbable.
• If two Phoenix should meet - the person who can remember who their clan champion was before Tsukune wins Gencon.
• If two Unicorn should meet - either player may as an open action prevent the other player from participating in the game.
• If two Ninja meet - the person who shows up for the game loses.
• If two Shadowlands meet - there will be a great darkness of blood and fire, and the evil vowels of doom will blaze in the night sky, and the armies of several nasty demon-overlords will occupy the body of the Emperor, and...
• If two Monks should meet - there will be a martial-arts contest. The first person to lift his leg above his waist wins.
• If two TA players meet - no one will give a shit.

• The Fed lowers interest rates to 0% and no payments till July 2002.
• No requirement whatsoever that corporations make America breakfast after screwing us.
• Because of a simple typo, most of the benefits go to guys *named* Rich.
• Not only are there tax breaks for the wealthy, the bill actually mentions them by name.
• Free government cheese -- to go with the top 1%'s wine.
• Provision to boost CEO morale buy granting them the right to sleep with employee wives on their wedding nights.
• Excited by idea that "a rising tide raises all boats," Bush includes in package a free yacht to all Fortune 500 execs.
• New corporate welfare does not include corporate food stamps, forcing Bill Gates to cut his caviar consumption by 1/10th.
• Skittles for everyone!
• Free pre-bankruptcy consultation with every home equity loan.
• Misunderstanding of "trickledown effect" means that it is now law that congresspeople get to actually piss on lower classes.
• Instead of food stamps, poor to now be provided with nutritious new food called soylent green.
• The environment is leased to Exxon-Mobil for $1 per year.
• Skipping the middle man, 50% of military budget now goes directly into golden parachutes of defense industry CEOs.
• The EPA is liquidated to help pay for the tax cuts.

Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

• Never play Naga.
• There should never have been a Ninja stronghold.
• Palaces of Otosan-Uchi is really called Palaces of Hideous Cheese.
• Always kill the guy with 38 honour.
• Don't play Crane and expect to get invited to stag parties.
• It is wrong to play with Finding the Harmony.
• Never place a garden properly, it makes them less effective and more expensive.
• All Crab players are called Brian.
• You had Gohei. Suffer.
• Any card made to boost a Clan other than Phoenix will boost the Phoenix more.
• No, Crab, your vigil against the Shadowlands *isn't* the centrepoint of L5R. Deal. (D'oh!)
• It doesn't matter how many good cards you give Dragon, they'll still never win anything.
• It doesn't matter how many tourneys the Monks win, people will still find them funny. (especially the one on the Gold version of Retirement!)
• There will always be an immortal evil that possesses the Emperor that the Clans have to rally together against to fight.
• If a Scorpion player is dissing your Clan, tell them you just saw Kachiko working at the local chippy. (???)
• Sanzo's Army my ass.
• Don't play Naga. We really mean it.

• Afghanistan women offering their "services" to our troops by "showing a little ankle".
• US bomber pilots fooled by plywood city, like in "Blazing Saddles."
• New set for Survivor 4.
• Al Qaeda making crude bombs from the peanut butter and crackers we air dropped.
• Statues honoring Ronald Reagan.
• The fabulous Afghanistan resorts and spas.
• Bin Laden's stash of weapons crates with "Made In the USA" stamped on them.
• Typical military target-
  Before: pile of worthless rubble
  After: same pile of worthless rubble
• Afghanistan itself, because then we would wonder why we're wasting our expensive bombs on that stone-age dung heap.
• AfghanDisney
• Giant obscenities spelled out with US food packets.

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
• When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if f you value your life.
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
• Do not take *anything* from the dead.

• Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
• Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
• Always lands on her spleen.
• Fewer calls to the Fire Department, but a sudden upsurge of broken branches.
• Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
• No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
• Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
• It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
• "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
• Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
• He only catches mice that get stuck in his gravitational pull.
• Enormous gut keeps you hardwood floor freshly buffed.
• Has more chins than lives.

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

He continues reminiscing.

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

The reminiscing continues.

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at, when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!

But if you fuck one goat..."

Phil phoned his best friend Bob and said "I heard a new joke! Wanna hear it?"

Bob said, "Sure I do."

Phil asked, "What has a small dick and hangs down?"

After a few seconds of thinking, Bob answered, "Uh, I dunno... a bat?"

Phil said, "Good! Ok, now what has a big dick and hangs up?"

Bob thought and then said, "Uh, don't know, I give up."

*CLICK*

• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
• What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
• Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
• Evil is not all bad.
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
• There's no such thing as nonexistance.
• Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
• He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
• I disagree with unanimity.
• I have my doubts about disbelief.
• Avoid Alliteration. Always.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• One should never generalize.
• Avoid cliches like the plague.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• Profanity sucks.
• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• Death to all fanatics!
• An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
• If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -former VP Dan Quayle
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
• Rehab is for quitters!
• The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
• Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
• My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
• I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
• Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
• There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.
• Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.

• "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, even though you wretched peckerwoods are all too stupid, ignorant, and unimportant to avoid jury service, I'm sure you can understand my client's position..."
• "In the words of OJ Simpson..."
• "That guy over there? He's full of shit."
• "My client loves all men. Mostly with a Bernaise Sauce and bottle of zinfandel, but loves them nonetheless."
• "Even though all the evidence makes my client look really, REALLY guilty...."
• "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're probably wondering where my pants are."
• "He didn't do it. Thank you."
• "I'll try to make this brief so you can fry my thieving bastard of a client."
• "I'm sorry, your honor, I can't make an opening statement. I seem to have wet my pants."

• Use as a marital aid nullifies warrenty.
• Warning: This fad will dissapear in six weeks.
• Uranium-236 not included.
• As with real appliances, this thing will burn your careless ass.
• Some dismemberment may occur.
• Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
• Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
• Not to be takin internally, literally, or seriously.
• Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
• NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
• Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
• Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
• Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
• Do not place Captain Viagra within 5"-7" of an open flame.
• For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
• Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" from Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.
• Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
• Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
• Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
• In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
• Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
• For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
• Replacement blades and toes not included.
• Warning: although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

• The Universal Law of Gift Exchange: All presents must come in boxes with the lid wrapped separately from the rest of the package to allow for easy opening.
• The Cousin Olliver Corollary: As soon as the young, cute child becomes gangly or awkward, he/she is relegated to the background and a new young, cute child will be introduced.
• The Pet Theorem: Anytime there is a prominent family pet, odds are it will be smarter than at least one other character on the show.
• Remini's Conjecture: Pudgy, average-looking men always marry hot women. Pudgy, average-looking women don't exist.
• The cuter the child star, the longer the rap sheet.
• Lucy already did it, and it was funnier in 1953 than it is now.
• Carrot Top is not funny. EVER.
• Chrissy's First Law of Teledynamics: The subject of a telephone conversation, when overheard from behind the door of an adjacent room, can be fully and accurately ascertained from as few as two words.
• Statute of Prevarication: A znay scheme is always easier than telling the truth.
• A cynical, funny, but nerdy guy will eventually have sex with all his attractive female friends -- not that I'm bitter, mind you.
• The Will & Grace Paradox: Sitcoms can be funny. Gay people can be funny. But for some unknown reason, sitcoms about gay people are NOT funny.
• The Kramer Conundrum: If no one watched The Michael Richards Show, did it make a sound when it was canceled?
• Any problem taking more than 30 minutes to solve must be labeled "Very Special."
• Schwimmer's Law: No matter how irritating a character may be, the other characters will never bludgeon him to death.

• Thou Shalt Honor Thy White House-Sanctioned Spin
• Thou Shalt Not Laugh At Bill Maher, His Jokes, Or Refer To His Traitorous Comments As "Free Speech." He's Not Funny, Just Smarmy And Full Of Himself, And That Pinko Hollywood Homo-Lover Had Better Watch His Back
• Thou Shalt Visit The State Of Our Supreme Leader's Younger Sibling Jed, And Worship At The Corporate Altar of Walt Disney
• Thou Shalt Mock Past Presidents and Past Presidents Only (Especially James Earl Carter, Jr.)
• Thou Shalt Not Covet The Sumptuously Androgynous Posterior of Karen Hughes (note: Anyone want to tell me who the hell this is?)
• Thou Shalt Not Question Authority Unless The Authority In Question Is:
  
  • A Gratuitously Smarty-Pants Academic
  • A Meddling Liberal Journalist
  • An Uppity Feminist
  • Super-Powered, Suicidal Madmen Bent On World Domination
• Thou Shalt Have No Other Press Secretary But Me, and Thou Shalt Abstain From Noting My Resemblance To A Balding Warthog
• Thou Shalt Not Disparage The First Lady's Taste In Contemporary Pantsuits
• Thou Shalt Not Doubt That Our Leader Channeleth The Truth Through Me - Lest Thou Wisheth To Find Thyself On The Receiving End Of A Painfully Thorough FBI Body Cavity Search
• Thou Shalt Drape Thyself In The Flag, Offer Prayers To Jesus Christ, And VOTE REPUBLICAN!

"What's the matter young lady?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails little Nina, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs little Nina.

• Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
• I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
• I never get hungry.
• I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
• If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
• I would've been more successful if no one had snitched on me.
• My legs are really hairy.
• I think I'm going to throw up.
• At times I have the urge to do something harmful or shocking.
• I feel uneasy indoors.
• Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
• Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

Treating Burns and Scalds: Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and Broken Limbs: Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food: Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts and Wounds: Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha Ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck in Eye: Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

Concussion: When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the victims score and send it to me at this address:
Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345
The highest score wins a mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blind or something."

• 3050 BC: A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
• 2900 BC: Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
• 1850 BC: Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
• 1785 BC: The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
• 1768 BC: Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
• 776 BC: The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
• 525 BC: The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
• 410 BC: Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
• 404 BC: The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
• 214 BC: Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
• 1 BC: Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
• 79 AD: Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
• 432: St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
• 1000: Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.
• 1043: Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
• 1125: Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to sole the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
• 1233: The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
• 1297: The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
• 1433: Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
• 1456: An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
• 1492: Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
• Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!
• 1508: Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
• 1513: Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
• 1522: Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
• 1568: Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
• 1607: The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
• 1618: Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
• 1642: Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
• 1670: The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
• 1755: Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
• 1758: New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
• 1763: The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
• 1770: The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday night.
• 1773: Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
• 1776: Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
• 1779: John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
• 1793: "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
• 1799: Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
• 1805: Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
• 1807: Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
• 1815: Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
• 1840: William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
• 1850: Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
• 1859: Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
• 1865: Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
• 1894: Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
• 1903: The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
• 1910: The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
• 1911: Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
• 1912: People with reservations for the return voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
• 1920: The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!
• 1924: Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.
• 1928: Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
• 1930: Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
• 1933: German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.
• 1933: Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
• 1934: John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.
• 1934: As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
• 1938: Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
• 1944: Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

Cartoon Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion- pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment B: The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which Cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

• For those who go into chatrooms: Ass On Line
• For those overseas users: Americans Offensively Loud
• Think you're talking to a sexy 19-year-old named Buffy?: Another Old Lady.

  And my favorite alternate meaning?

• Why would anyone pay 20 bucks a month to never be able to connect and get dropped every 20 seconds from their connection!
  (Well...there is an a-o-l in that explanation...)

• You try making it through a revolving door while wearing a big hat.
• Nothing chafes like a sawed-off under velvet.
• SUV owners who taunt you about you El Dorado's poor gas mileage.
• Armani doesn't make a yellow trenchcoat.
• OSHA
• Friggin' $200 dry cleanig bills!
• Seeing replicas of one's carefully selected wardrobe worn as costumes by middle-aged suburbanites every October 31st.
• You can't finish getting dressed because your dog is having sex with your coat.
• "Pimp" rhyming with "wimp" and "limp."
• Always having to explain to your probation officer that you're in the plumbing accommodation business.
• Damn '70s funky beat following me around everywhere.
• My bitches never want to just cuddle.
• Sure, the outrageous clothes and platform shoes are uncomfortable -- but it's impossible to project the right image in a Polo shirt, Dockers and topsiders.
• The way everybody goes around humming the "Shaft" theme song these days like it was written for THEM.

Today I sniffed
Many dogs butts- I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy- come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man- come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whizz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack,
Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot- no greater bliss- well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad- she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence- why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now and always, and especially
When you are eating.

You call them fleas,
But they are far more- I call
Them a vocation.

My owner's mood is
Romantic- I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

Each daimyo explains the quest to his yojimbo: each must leap from the high cliff into the sea beyond which is infested with nasty serpents and rabid sharks. From there they must come to shore on a small island filled with mobs of goblins, a horde of ogres and one fierce looking, sinister Pekkle. To prove his daimyo the best, each yojimbo must pass these obstacles and sneak into the cave of a thunderous oni to steal a small artifact lost these many centuries. The yojimbo could then return through a small underground tunnel that runs beneath the sea and back towards the cliff.

The Crane daimyo turns to his yojimbo and bades him leap from the cliff. The yojimbo balks and refuses, explaining that such activities would surely sully his natural beauty and thus would hinder his activities at the court of Otosan Uchi. Besmirched, the Crane daimyo orders the yojimbo's seppuku as soon as the contest has ended.

Next, the Unicorn daimyo orders his yojimbo to leap from the cliff. The yojimbo explains that his steed would not survive such a feat and that without his horse, he too would surely perish. Angered, the Unicorn also orders his yojimbo's seppuku after the contest.

Before the Crab daimyo could open his mouth, his yojimbo leaps with a mad battlecry from the cliff. In the waters, he quickly dodges the sea monsters and pressed forward to the island. On the shore, the goblins, ogres, and the wee lil Pekkle all fall upon the brave warrior. Many minutes pass and the Crab emerges victorious. He then runs into the cave and disappears from sight.

More time passes while the 3 daimyos wait. Finally, after quite some time passes, the Crab yojimbo returns, his face bloody and deep filthy cuts oozing from every inch of his body.

The Crab daimyo is indeed overjoyed! He proclaims himself the winner and tells his yojimbo that whatever he wishes, it shall be his. All he need do is ask.

The Crab yojimbo looks about and then says, "All I want to know is who the FUCK pushed me??"

(Here's something I posted to the Scorp list. Being from Louisiana, I reckon I can get away with saying it to.) ; )

Well, I've been trying long and hard to think what virtues the Crane stood for, and finally I figured it out. Then, as any good Southerner would, I immediately recognized what would be the opposite of that, and therefore, I think I have identified the Nightmare of the Crane.

It is the Onisu of Redneck. Its name is Bubba, the opposite of everything the Crane stand for, and their Nightmare.

I just got this really funny image of the other 6 Onisu squaring off against the combined might of the other 6 clans while the Crane are all clustered around Kyuden Kakita. "Oh no! It's unshaven, unbathed and uncouth! It beat up all of our male courtiers, it refuses to take off it's shoes or use chopsticks!!! Worse yet: It slurps the tea! Someone help us please!"

Shosuro Kiseki
Scorpion Clan Advocate * Jester * Redneck

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

• It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
• My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.
• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
• I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
• And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how may I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from the battery and turns the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere! Helpline: Is the gastank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from "E" to "F." Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to "E." What does that mena?
Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how may I help you?
Customer: Your car sucks!
Helpline: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!
Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how may I help you?
Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!

• The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
• The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player{tm}.
• The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
• The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
• AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
• Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
• The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lotsa pretty colors and lights.
• The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
• Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
• If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
• The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
• AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
• AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
• Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
• It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
• AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
• Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
• It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
• AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
• AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

• It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
• The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

  In Pennsylvania:

• It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. You may not sing in the bathtub.
• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
• All liquor stores must be run by the state.
• Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
• Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
• Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

• The Taliban will pass an Equal Rights Amendment.
• Arafat will host a Bar Mitzvah.
• Bush will be invited to join Mensa.
• Noam Chomsky will endorse increased defense expenditures.
• American high school seniors will be able to locate Afghanistan on a map.
• Pearl Harbor will sweep the Oscars.
• The rich will decide to do their own dirty work from now on.
• OJ will find the real killers.
• Nobody will blame the Jews.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down OK? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

OK? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

• Your so called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.
• You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.
• I'm not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.
• Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?
• Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.
• You're not going to search my trunk, are you?
• How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?
• hey Barney! How are things in Maybury?
• You'd better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin Doughnuts closes in 15 minutes.

• You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell."
• Your best friend asks you how you've been and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, BITCH!"
• Your garbage can is your "in" box.
• You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
• You have so much on your mind you've forgotten how to pee.
• Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
• You sleep more at work and/or school than you do at home.
• You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
• Your day-timer exploded a week ago.
• You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Pick the Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak to the Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Adveritse:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On the Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware of the Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

• Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor- we're going to need a mop.
• Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
• What a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that.. uh... that uh.... thingie.
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex!
• Oops! Has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Damn, there go the lights again.
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration.
• What's this doing here?
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
• I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
• Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
• Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
• Steril, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

  ---

  Good, Bad Worse Good: You and your huddy agree, no more kids.
  Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
  Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

  Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
  Bad: You find several porno movies hidden there.
  Worse: You're in them.

  Good: Your husband understands fashion.
  Bad: He's a crossdresser.
  Worse: He looks better than you.

  Good: Your son's finally maturing.
  Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
  Worse: So are you.

  Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
  Bad: She keeps interrupting.
  Worse: With corrections.

  Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
  Bad: She wants a divorce.
  Worse: She's a lawyer.

  Good: You came home for a quickie.
  Bad: The postman had the same idea.
  Worse: You have to wait.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could I please speak to Melissa Lewis?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Melissa’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You’re a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and I’d yell, "You’re a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That’s because you’re a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 402-8863.

Continued:

An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, This guy’s a jackass. There are sure a lot of jackasses in the world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 402-8863 and yelling, "You’re jackass!" (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front."

I said, "What’s your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When’s a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I’m home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you’re a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You’re a jackass!", but I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What’s your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front."

"I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You’ll what?"

"I’ll kick your butt."

"Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming right over, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

• If Anthony Michael Hall can get some, there's hope for ALL of us.
• Inadvertant sex noises are about as nonexistant as urinals on the Enterprise.
• Women at bars? Always stunningly attractive and convieniently easy!
• Fortunately for our future scientists, hot Swedish exchange students *always* want to make it with the class nerd.
• Size *does* matter. Especially when he's a sixty-foot-tall ape.
• No matter how much a woman hates you, planting an unexpected but good strong kiss will make her yours for life!
• The sexiest man is ALWAYS attracted to the drag queen.
• You get to keep your bra on during intercourse only if you're getting a percentage of the gross.
• If a woman doesn't reach orgasm within 15 seconds, you're DOING IT WRONG!!!
• "Condoms" are devices used for one purpose only -- to embarrass teenagers who venture into the local drug store to buy them.
• Dudley Moore is *exactly* the sort of guy that a buxom young hottie would want to have sex with.
• Seriously, all your friend's moms are hot for you!
• Women first try to kill James Bond, then end up having sex with him. In real life, women rarely get past that first stage.
• Women aren't concerned about looking fat, even when you sensuously feed them the entire contents of a Frigidaire.
• If you decide to have sex with a pastry, lock the door.

• Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
• Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
• Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
• Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make your demands.
• Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
• Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a rock-paper-scissors tournament.

• If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
• If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
• If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
• If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
• If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
• If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
• If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
• If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
• And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

Insult to injury

An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough.

Hey- what about my accomplice?

A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store... and called the police.

Oops! Of the Week

A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant -- where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I Toldja Computers Were Running America!

During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.

I Thought This'd Be the Last Place They'd Look....

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.

And Finally....

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play-- except Yanni CD's. With them it doubles the volume.

It will automatically download kiddie porn to your hard drive and then notify the authorities.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your good beer and replace it I.C. Light.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will talk nasty about your mother.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card-- the only card stripe it didn't demagnetize.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles-- but, on the plus side, they're kosher dills.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection. Beware.

• Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• Join Our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.
• Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
• Must Be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule your first day.
• Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• Must Have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.
• Career-Minded: Female applicants must be single (and remain that way).
• Apply In Person: If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
• No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job; the call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the duties of a manager without the pay or the respect.
• Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

There had been lots of shrieks across the country about moral decay and what-not, a fair amount of concern that Vermont would fill up with Gays, and plenty of dire warnings about how everybody and their Uncle Bob would flock to Vermont to get hitched.

Well, the last part is semi-true--there have indeed been a large upswing in tourism to Vermont for "wedding" packages and some places are doing very well, thank you, with all of that business.

Now--keep up with me here.

You do not have to be a resident of Vermont to get hitched.

No state recognizes same sex marriage at this time and at least 30 other states specifically disallow same sex marriages. Gays getting hitched in Vermont don't really get anything much from the process except whatever personal satisfaction the marriage ceremony provides.

Now. Here's the catch.

Since no states recognize the marriage, none can grant a divorce.

Only Vermont can grant a divorce.

Vermont requires residency of a minimum of six months before one can get a divorce.

That's the Vermont Gotcha.

Throw in a bit of logic here and you'll see what amuses me the most.

Those totally against same sex marriage, afraid that Vermont will fill up with Gays and Lesbians, have made no effort to get that changed. That doesn't strike me as being exactly consistent.

Damn human, you bet. But not consistent.

God I love people.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it came from.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blowjob.

Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.

Q: What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
A: Learn to swim.

Q: How do women get minks?
A: The same way minks get minks.

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirtbag.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q: What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?
A: The guy who gave it to him.

Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen-year-old girls at once?
A: Not a damn thing!

• January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.
• June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
• October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
• October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
• May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
• December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

Why is Bush taking an aggressive stand against China?
He's not going to let them pull a Pearl Harbor on us again.

Why is 2001 like 1991?
There's a Bush in the White House and we're going into recession.

Why would it be bad if Dick Cheny died?
No president.

George W. Bush has become known for giving light-hearted nicknames to members of Congress and other government officials. What's their light-hearted nickname for him?
"Mr. President."

How long does it take George W. Bush to read a book?
No one knows- it hasn't happened yet.

What do George W. and Laura Bush have in common?
Both are widely believed to have blown a little dope.

• Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in the fucking box all day!
• Not being able to check e-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind you.
• Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
• That nagging feeling that if you just press the right button, you get a piece of cheese.
• Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
• The walls are too close together for a hammok to work right.
• Women: damn near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
• Men: Coworkers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
• 23 power cords, one outlet.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
• Can't slam the door when you walk out and quit.

Answers

1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4)70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by two.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE TWO, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.

Removing Her Clothes:
With her consent: 12 calories.
Without her consent: 187 calories.

Opening her bra:
With both hands: 8 calories
With one hand: 12 calories
With your teeth: 85 calories

Putting on a contraceptive:
With an erection: 6 calories
Without an erection: 315 calories

Preliminaries:
Trying to find the clitoris: 8 calories
Trying to find the G-spot: 92 calories

Positions:
Missionary: 12 calories
69 lying down: 78 calories
69 standing up: 112 calories
Wheelborrow: 216 calories
Doggie Style: 326 calories
Italian chandelier: 912 calories

Orgasaming:
Real: 112 calories
Fake: 315 calories

Post Orgasm:
Lying in bed hugging: 18 calories
Getting up immediately: 36 calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 calories

Getting a second erection:
20-29 years old: 36 calories
30-39 years: 80 calories
40-49: 124 calories
50-59: 972 calories
60-69: 2916 calories
70+: results still pending

Dressing up afterwards:
Calmly: 32 calories
In a hurry: 98 calories
With her father knocking at the door: 1218 calories
With your wife knocking at the door: 3512 calories

April 1998 Hi,Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week, I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden-hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to bum. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up ajellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. I had that hose down my back, I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass's crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Think your life sucks? Well read this.

I just lost my job.

No big deal eh? Not a problem eh? Well there is more to it than that. About 8 months ago I was living it up. Drove a BMW and worked for a great software firm. Making good coin (about $75K) and the living was nice.

Tech boom comes and I am out of a job. Can't find shit anywhere. Bills start to pile up and it's time to renew my lease on my apt--but no incoming funds. So I bite the bullet and move back home with my parents--while I'm looking. So now I'm living in the basement (like you! :), looking on Monster.com, all the normal stuff. Can't get a bite anywhere. Nothing is happening. Dad is on my case everyday.

So 7 months pass, I get to a couple interviews, nothing happens. I'm super depressed at this point, I had to sell my new BMW and buy a fucking used Ford Taurus, I haven't gotten laid in ages, and I'm contemplating ending it all. My mom notices all this and tells me to go to her shrink. She pays, I go. He puts me on Paxil, which is supposed to make things all better. So I go on it, and things do seem a bit less bleak. I take it for a couple months and don't get the refill (this is IMPORTANT TO THE STORY).

Ok, so flash to 3 weeks ago. I get an email about a job interview. It's a big pay cut (only $50K) but at least it's work. I go in for the first interview, it goes well, they have me stay, instantly get the second interview. I get home and there is a message on the machine to call them. I got the job!

I've been off Paxil now for a couple weeks, but I still want to be on it, so I get the prescription refilled Sunday before work. My first day at work (the next Monday) I start my Paxil again. Got my happy drug, got a job, things are looking good.

Boss comes in and asks me to lunch (this is customary in corporate jobs on the first day) with the 3 other team members. He is a guy, the other 3 team memebers of my dept. are women, younger. I'm 27, they are hot 30 year olds. One is 29 and she has been training me. HOT AS HELL.

We go to the Olive Garden and I'm putting away salad, and those buttery breadsticks. Then a nice bowl of Fettuchine Alfredo. As we are walking out the bottom falls out of my stomach. BAD. Here is where it all comes together. Paxil has a nasty side effect for most people when they start (or restart like me) taking it. BAD stomach problems for a few days. It didn't occur to me because last time I had them I was at home.

I have to shit bad. It's gonna be wet greasy, messy. It's 10 minutes back to the office. I'm cramping, sweating, I think I can make it. So we are all in my bosses mini van and I am sitting in the back seat in between the hot girl that is training me and another lady. I'm "riding the hump" so I feel every bump on the road. I want to cry I'm in so much pain.

My stomach is kicking, screaming, "I WANT TO SHIT NOW!"

We are about 2 blocks from the office, and I'm ready to die. My boss hits this big ass pot hole (HUGE) and I feel it. That's when it happened. It was like slow motion, I've replayed it a million times in my head.

I let go a huge loud wet fart followed by about a gallon of brown butt juice all over my legs and the car seat (leather). The hot girl started SCREAMING. My boss pulled over into a gas station and everyone jumped out. The juice had ran on the leather and got on each of the women I was sitting near. The other woman was crying saying how disgusted she was. My boss asked if I was ok. The women went into the gas station. I got out and went into the bathroom. My boss said he would be back for me in about 15 minutes.

I looked out the door and saw him cleaning the inside with some towel/t shirt he got from the gas station. About 5 minutes later they left. I washed my pants in the sink of the bathroom and it got a lot of the shit chunks out. I walked out in my soaked pants and had the gas station attendant call me a cab. I went home, emailed my boss and told him I quit. He wrote back and said he "thought that was best".

I bought a $500 bag that I used for work files that was at the office, along with my cell phone. I'm too embarrased to go get them, and now I have a $500 credit card bill coming and no money to pay it.

Life sucks.

• You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 organizations.
• Your resume is in a diskette in you pocket.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• You learn about your layoff in the news.
• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
• Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• Communication is something your section's having problems with.
• You see a good-looking person and know it's a visitor.
• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
• Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."
• You're already late on the task you just got.
• You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
• "Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
• Your reletives and family describe your job as "working with computers."
• Your business cards are no longer correct just one months after you recieve them.
• You have every "Cup-a-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.
• You have no hobbies that do not involve an electric device.
• During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.
• "Shopping" is something you do in the duty-free.
• You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.
• You read this entire list and understood it.

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know this means Manhattan.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• The subway makes sense to you, and should never be called anything like the Metro.
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
• Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
• You think Central Park is "nature."
• You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
• You havn't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
• You pay $5 without blinking for a beer when it cost the bar $0.28.
• You have 27 diferent take-out menues next to your telephone.
• Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
• America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
• You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
• You take a taxi to the health club to exercise.
• You don't notice sirens anymore.
• You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
• Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish....

• You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
• Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
• All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.
• The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
• The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
• If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
• Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and Routh Street.
• Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
• All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"
• If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
• All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of way.
• Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd....
• If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
• Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
• A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
• The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.
• Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
• If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone...people are not waving when they go by.
• The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
• LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
• Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

• Did you know that if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee? (Hardly seems worth it)
• If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
• (Hang on to your hat on this one) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig but I would like to know how they discovered this, and why?)
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing)
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (That's why Flipper was always smiling!) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
• The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?)
• Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out?)
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine....and why pigs?)
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy and you just thought they were tough to kill)
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What's for dinn....) (I hope no one told them about the pigs)
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (That's great but in my next life, I still want to be a pig: quality over quantity)
• Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez)
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
• After reading all these, all I can say is ............... Lucky pigs.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and lock and unlock all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside and wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

• I only had one, officer.
• Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
• Want to race to the station, Sparky?
• I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
• On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
• You'll never get those cuffs on me.... you fucking pussy!
• Come on a write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes.
• Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
• How long is this going to take? You're wife is expecting me.
• Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you glad to see me?
• I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Doughnuts has a 3-for-1 special!
• Yeah you can see me license and registration, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
• Hey, you must've been doing 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
• Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
• Is "stick up" hyphenated?
• You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• Bad cop! No doughnut!
• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars!
• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Let's do it different this time. I will give you the breathalyser test, now stick this in your mouth and blow.
• Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
• Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
• So, uh, are you "on the take," or what?
• Gee officer, that's terrific! The last cop only gave me a warning too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with guns when you were little?
• Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?
• Hey, you look like that girl I ficked a few days ago.
• Hey officer, you want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

2) SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT: (See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER/"HEAD-HUNTER": As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. You usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

• You must be very experienced.
• Your not *that* fat.
• This is a freebie, right?
• I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
• Look, I can get my whole arm in!
• Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.
• Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
• Do you mind if I wear one too... in case yours falls off?
• I expect a good time.... at least, the bathroom wall said so.
• I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
• Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
• You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
• I see why everyone said that with you, it's better with the lights out.
• Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

• I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• Gun wounds again?
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
• Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
• Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
• I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
• You daring lousy guy.
• Beat him out of recognizable shape!
• Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
• I've been scared silly too much lately.
• I've got knife scars more than the number of your leghairs!
• Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
• The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
• How can you use my intestines as a gift?
• Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some but of the giant lizard person.
• You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a hot date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a hot date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a hot date!!"

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car something like every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

This means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off? I think not.

What Would Freud Say About:
Climax, Micigan
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
Needmore, Arkansas
Hardup, Utah
Big Bouge Homo, Mississippi
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Hornytown, North Carolina
Conception Junction, Missouri

Doesn't surprise me that there's a:
Rudeville, New Jersey
Boring, Oregon
Hell, Micigan
Hooker, California
Virgin, Utah
Dulls Corner, Maryland
Bowlegs, Oklahoma
Volcano, Hawaii
Beersville, Pennsylvania
Fleatown, Ohio
Burnt Corn, Alabama
Two Guns, Arizona
Toad Suck, Arkansas

• Dad's New Wife Timothy
• Pop! Goes the Hamster.... and Other Great Microwave Games
• Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
• How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
• Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Bi-Curious George
• Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

Tech: Ridge Hall computer assistance; how may I help you?
Woman: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Tech: What sort of trouble?
Woman: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Tech: Went away?
Woman: They disappeared.
Tech: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Woman: Nothing.
Tech: Nothing?
Woman: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Tech: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Woman: How do I tell?
Tech: Do you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Woman: What's a sea-prompt?
Tech: Never mind; can you move your cursor around the screen?
Woman: There isn't any cursor; it won't accept anything I type.
Tech: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Woman: What's a monitor?
Tech: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Woman: I don't know.
Tech: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Woman: Yes, I think so.
Tech: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Woman: Yes, it is.
Tech: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Woman: No.
Tech: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Woman: Okay, here it is.
Tech: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of the computer.
Woman: I can't reach it.
Tech: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Woman: No.
Tech: Even if you put your knee on something and lean way over?
Woman: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle; it's because it's dark.
Tech: Dark?
Woman: Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Tech: Well, turn on the office light, then.
Woman: I can't.
Tech: No? Why not?
Woman: Because there's a power failure.
Tech: A power... A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Woman: Well yes, I keep them in the closet.
Tech: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Woman: Really? Is it that bad?
Tech: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Woman: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tech: Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!

There are many people on this site who are already regular GenCon attendees, but there are some people who are considering attending for the first time this year, and I applaud that decision. I would recommend to anyone to go before the change of venue.

If you do decide to attend this year for the first time, here are some helpful tips to make your endeavour easier and more enjoyable.

• Go ahead now and reserve rooms for your children should they want to attend in 15 or 20 years. Really, it gets that bad sometimes.
• Everything downtown closes at an early hour. Except for Hooters. And the bars.
• If you have had a little too much to drink, please note that the security guard in the convention center lobby is a manequin and cannot help you locate a cab.
• Always watch your step. There are plenty of Pokemon players underfoot.
• Be prepared for people screaming into microphones. Every Magic booster draft must be announced at least 12 times over the P.A. system.
• There WILL be at least ten items in the retail area that will make you say "Gee, that looks cool enough to buy."
• The escalators will break down at THE worst possible time. I never have found the stairs.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

• Ghost Poopie: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
• Clean Poopis: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
• Wet Poopie: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
• Second Wave Poopie: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
• Pop-a-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
• Lincoln Log Poopie: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
• Gassy Poopie: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
• Drinker's Poopie: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
• Corn Poopie: Self-explanatory.
• Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
• Spinal Tap Poopie: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
• Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
• The Dangling Poopie: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
• The Surprise Poopie: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

• But everybody looks funny naked!
• You woke me up for that?
• Did I mention the video camera?
• (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead.
• A little rig burn never hurt anyone!
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• Guy: This is your first time, right?
  Girl: Yeah, today.
• Can you pass the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober....
• (holding a bannana) It's a little trick I learned at the zoo!

• When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
• Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.
• Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys.
• If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
• Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm gay!"
• Fuck you! -The Crusaders-
• Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.
• If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.
• Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.
• Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair--often matted with clumps of feces--with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.
• When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
• Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
• Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.
• If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
• Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
• Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit.

• Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
• AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
• Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
• Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
• A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
• Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
• Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
• Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
• A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
• An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
• Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
• True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
  Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
  Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
  Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a 'cup holder?'"
  Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
  Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
  Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

  At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!\

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
• Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
• Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFs.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
• You turn on the intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blonde wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have @ in their names.
• When looking at a webpage full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own homepage.
• You can't call your mother.... she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.
• You do your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you he has had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can't come to bed."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP.... because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Chairs and Rugs: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

Helping:If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

Computers: 1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

• In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
• In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
• In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
• In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
• In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
• In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
• In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
• In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
• In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
• On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
• In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
• Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
• In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
• In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
• In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
• A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
• In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
• In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
• On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
• In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
• In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
• In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
• In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
• In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
• In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
• From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
• Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
  English well talking.
  Here speeching American.

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire) Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.

Girl: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in some milk?
Girl: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?
Girl: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Ian: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
Girl: Just the usual amount of milk.
Ian: A coffee with milk.
Girl: Yes.
Ian: Anything else?
Girl: A little extra milk, and do you have coffee with no caffine?
Ian: We do have decaf.
Girl: No, I don't want decaf, I just want some coffee without the caffine.
Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffine.
Girl: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffine?
Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffine.
Girl: Yes it does.
Ian>: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Girl: It doesn't say caffine free on the milk so it must have caffine.
Ian: Oh you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. We only have decaf milk. Anything else?
Girl: Do you have any bagals?
Vinnie (who has been listening the entire time): Sorry, we don't have any decaf bagals.
Girl: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagals)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffine added.
Girl: I guess I'll just take the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Ian: No ma'am, cash only.
Girl: What about Visa?
Ian: Is that a credit card?
Girl: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Girl: No.
Vinnie: Well then, we can't take it.
Girl: What about checks?
Ian: Cash, ma'am, nothing else.
Girl: Ok. How much was that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Girl: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
Girl: Ok. (Proceeds to write check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
Girl: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood preasure, leave now.
Girl: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 firsr. Seriously.

Anyway, his girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. She told him, "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but we agreed that the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve entered the house, sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it - dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.

All of the sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!"

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters away from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you've done, only what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have more money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about increasing productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling around on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any ammount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors somehow develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by the desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the numer of pens he/she is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted with a difficult problem, you can often solve it more easily by asking yourself, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

• Husseinfield
• Mad About Everything
• US Military Secrects Revealed
• Suddenly Sanctions
• Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
• The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
• Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
• Wheel of Fortune and Terror
• Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
• The Proce is Right If Sadaam Says It's Right
• Victoria's Closet Full of Long, Shapeless, Black Dresses
• Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque
• When Kurds Attack
• Just Shoot Me
• My Two Baghdads
• Diagnosis Heresy
• Everybody Loves Sadaam or He'll Have Them Shot
• Captured Iranian Soldiers Scream the Dardest Things
• Totally Clothed Baywatch

• Well it's Liverpool two, Ipswitch nil, and if the score stays this way I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
• He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
• And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
• With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
• Well, it's a fabulous kalidiscope of color; almost all of the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
• If that had gone on, it definitely would have been a goal.
• Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
• I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other will need two to win.
• If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
• You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

"How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love.

• Only in America- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in America- are there handicapped parking spaces in front of a skateing rink.
• Only in America - do drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healty people can get their cigarettes right at the front.
• Only in America - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• Only in America - do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the tables.
• Only in America - do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the street and put junk in our garages.
• Only in America - do we use answering machines to screen our calls and get call waiting so that we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
• Only in America - do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight.
• Only in America - do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" is Latin for "many," and "tics" means "blood-sucking creatures."
• Only in America - do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
• Only in America - do the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the budgets of many Third-World countries.
• Only in America - do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars.
• Only in America - are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with at a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump out, go down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump in the sleigh, and move on to the next house.
(That's why it's really pointless to stay up and wait for him....)
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom breaks. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 75.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull nothing more than 300 pounds. Even granted that "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the sleigh itself, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizibeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance; this would heat up the reindeer in the same fasion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and causing deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.2 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pound of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

• You havn't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I'm waiting until I'm your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• It would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion-dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• My parents would die from sheer happiness.
• I guess it goes to show that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• I don't want to supposrt another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although lately we've been considering a trial seperation.
• (Bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

• It's an incentive to show up.
• Reduces stress.
• Leads to more honest communications.
• Reduces complaints about low pay.
• Cuts down on time off, because you can work with a hangover.
• Helps save on heating costs in the winter.
• Encourages carpooling.
• Encreases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
• Eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
• Makes fellow employees, of the opposite sex, look better.
• Makes the cafeteria food taste better.
• Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they're wasted.
• Employees work later since there's no need to relax at a bar.
• Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
• Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common, not just restricted to the higher-ups.

• You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
• You've named your kids, "Deduction One," and, "Deduction Two."
• You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You've ever referred to someone as, "My (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
• You've ever tried to prove that Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
• You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
• The only union you support is the baseball players, because heck, they're richer than you.
• You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
• You once broke loose at a party and removed your necktie.
• You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
• You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?"
• You've ever said, "I can't wait until I get into business school."
• You've ever called a secretary or waitress, "Tootsie."
• You answer to "The Man."
• You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in My Neighborhood."
• You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
• You scream, "Dit-dit-ditto," while making love.
• You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
• When people say Marx, you think Groucho.
• You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
• You think Birkenstock was a radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear attacks your home.
• Vietman makes a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as the end of racism in America.
• You've ever said, "Civil liberties, schmival liberties."
• You've ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-dedectable.
• You came of age in the 60's and don't remember Bob Dylan.
• You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" bumper sticker on it.
• You're afraid of the liberal media.
• You've ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
• You've ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he's lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
• You've ever told someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they don't even have shoes.
• You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

• You think ethics is an eastern European country.
• You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names.
• You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were only willing to redistribute their wealth.
• You've ever referred to someone as a bigot or Nazi.
• You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a married man.
• You oppose the death penalty, but support abortions.
• You don't support school choice for others, only yourself.
• You think you might remember laughing once as an adult and feeling guilty about it.
• You once broke loose at a party and inhaled, but won't admit it.
• You support diversity, as long as others agree with you.
• You've referred to moral fiber thinking it was a new manmade textile.
• You've ever uttered the phrase, "you hypocrite."
• You've ever said, "The Bill of Rights is outdated."
• You answer to "No One."
• You support PETA and Green Peace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb, and wear leather garments.
• You protest your neighbor clearing their yard of weeds.
• You only let your kids watch PBS and listen to NBR.
• You scream at the thought of agreeing with a Republican.
• You've argued that Western values are no values.
• You agree that all the world's problems can be traced back to Anglo-Saxon men taking advantage of others.
• When people say, "Marx," you think, "Too bad his idea didn't work."
• You've ever yelled, "capitalist."
• You still wear the Birkenstocks you wore in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 laws to control guns.
• You really think that guns kill people. Not people kill people.
• You want to protest something but don't know what.
• You've ever said, "I support civil liberties, but not personal liberties."
• You will not admit that trees are a renewable resource.
• You've ever siad, "Reduce paper, save a tree."
• You donate money because it makes you "feel good."
• You came of age in the '60s but don't understand what went wrong.
• You justufy lying and cheating Democrats because Republicans lie and cheat.
• You ever start or end an argument with the phrase, "you are closed-minded."
• You never told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he chooses to do so.
• You think denial is a virtue.
• You don't mind contributing 4 months of your salary to the government. You only wish it could be more.
• You believe that everyone else is responsible for you but you.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the US Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support craft. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or countermeasures will me taken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Al Gore: As I was aying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear voice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinghamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, so she could pay for gas to make it to this debate and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your rebuttal.

George Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Jim Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Governor Bush, Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

George Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If elected, the first thing I would do is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Jim Lehrer: Mr Gore, your rebuttal.

Al Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided female voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a President who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Jim Lehrer: Vice President Al Gore, how would you reform the social security system?

Al Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathmatics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal Treasury a single penny until 2250. In additon, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next ten years to guarantee that all senior citizen have drugs delivered to their door free every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the childproof cap.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush?

George Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas I do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Route 36 east of Abiline or or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn of the Texas state fairgrounds.

Jim Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Al Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting polititian, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

George Bush: It's time to set aside the partisanship of the past and elect no one but Republicans.

Jim Lehrer: Good night.

Birds are singing in the cool, crisp mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows your secret place. You are in complete seclution.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

There. Feeling better?

• She's a goblin!
• I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
• Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
• She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
• If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
• Can I eat your Zagnuts?
• Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
• You scared me stiff!
• He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

• Pair of edible depends found on the bedroom floor
• Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass
• Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn"
• Granny found cuffed to her walker
• Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints
• Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice
• Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith
• You've just seen the photos in "BeaverHunt" in the May issue of Hustler
• Craftmatic adjustable bed set for "doggy-style"

• Can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
• Is a major component in acid rain
• Can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
• Accidental inhalation can kill you
• It contributes to erosion
• It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
• It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. 43 said yes, 6 were undecided, and only one person knew that the chemical was water.

• Have you looked through her briefs?
• He is one hard judge!
• Councellor, let's do it in chambers.
• His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
• Is it a penal offence?
• Better leave the handcuffs on.
• For $200 an hour, she'd better be good!
• Can you get him to drop his suit?
• This judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
• Think you can get me off?

Mutton, dagger, old blind Bob,
hanging Johnny, fishing rod, tally wacker, pocket rocket,
one-eyed monster, trouser trout,
ding-dong, ankle spanker,
pork sword, engine clanker,
harry hot dog, Davy Crocket,
Let it all hang out.

Pet names for genitalia,
You know the girls think of them,
And you gotta love them.
Pet names for genetalia,
There's always something silly
about little Willie.

Wang, wazoo, weenie, whacker,
pecker, pee-pee, kidney cracker,
heat-seeking moisture missle,
giggle stick, love whistle,
tube steak, uncle Dick,
this is getting really sick.
I'm not through, there's one more,
Purple Helmet Warrior!

(This makes much more sense if you check out the thing on Newgrounds like I mentioned.)

Now the twist to the story....

There's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's ass!

• Your "quarter-pounter" has a long, thin tail.
• The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
• Sign out front that says, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here."
• Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
• Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas.
• Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's ok.
• In his photo, Employee of the Month is holding a mug shot number.
• You spill your vanilla shake and it burns a hole right though your pants.
• A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
• Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"

Discrepancy: Lest inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Corrective Action: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Discrepancy: Test flight OK, although autoland very rough.
Corrective Action: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Discrepancy: Something loose in cockpit.
Corrective Action: Something tightened in cockpit.

Discrepancy: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Corrective Action: Evidence removed.

Discrepancy: Number three engine missing.
Corrective Action: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inorerative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Corrective Action: DME volume set to more believable level.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Could not reproduce problem on the ground.

Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both and sells you the milk.

Nazism: You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.

Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.

Anarchy: You have two cows, you shoot the government agent and steal another.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and by the third it was gone completely.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: It depends on how much beer you've consumed.

Q: Which direction should I drive- Perth to Darwin, or Darwin to Perth- to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellant question, considering the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney; can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweeden)
A: Sure, it's only 3,000 miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago in order to get there by this October.

Q: Is it safe to run around the bushes in Australia? (Sweeden)
A: And do what?

Q: It is imperetive that I know the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one....

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: You know, we do have toilet paper here....

Q: Are there any ATM's in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Q: Do camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everyone stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, people's garages, and most national parks.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This one HAS to be by a blonde....

Q: Can you tell me areas in Tasmania where the female population is smaller then the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs. (Italy)

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can have when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information on hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where can I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk avaliable all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can provide rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one.... there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boy's Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Australia and Austria.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but forgot its name. It's kind of a bear and lives in trees.(USA)

Q: I have developed a product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Liz Taylor, perhaps?

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you have to learn it first.

• Alabama: Yes, we have electricity.
• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can't be wrong!
• Arizona: But it's a dry heat!
• Arkansas: Literacy ain't everything.
• California: By 30, our women have more plastic than your Honda.
• Colorado: If you don't ski, don't bother.
• Connecticiut: Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedy's don't own it yet.
• Delaware: We really do like chemicals in our water.
• Florida: Ask about our grandkids.
• Georgia: We put the "fun" in fundamentalist extremism.
• Hawaii: Haka tiki mou sha'ami leeki toru. (Death to the mainland scum, but leave your money.
• Idaho: More than just potatos.... Well okay, we're not, but the potatos sure are real good.
• Illinois: Please don't pronounce the "S"
• Indiana: 2 billion years tidal wave-free.
• Iowa: We do amazing things with corn.
• Kansas: First of the rectangle states.
• Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names.
• Louisiana: We're not ALL drunk Cajun wackos, that's just our tourism campaign.
• Maine: We're really cold, but we have cheap lobster.
• Maryland: If you can dream it, we can tax it.
• Massacusetts: Our taxes are lower than Sweeden's (for most tax brackets).
• Michigan: First line of defence from the Canadians
• Minnesota: 10,000 lakes.... 10,000,000,000,000 mosquitos.
• Mississippi: Come and feel better about your own state.
• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief tax dollars at work.
• Montana: Home of the big sky, the Unabomber, right-wing crazies, and very little else.
• Nebraska: Ask about our state motto contest.
• Nevada: Whores and Poker!
• New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone.
• New Jersey: You want a ##$%## motto? I got yer ##$%## motto right here!
• New Mexico: Lizards make excellant pets.
• New York: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney....
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a vegetable.
• North Dakota: We really are one of the 50 states!
• Ohio: At least we're not Michigan.
• Oklahoma: Like the play, only no singing.
• Oregon: Spotted Owl- It's what's for dinner.
• Pennsylvania: Cook with coal.
• Rhode Island: We're not REALLY an island.
• South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We didn't actually surrender.
• South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.
• Tennessee: The Educashun State.
• Texas: Si, hablo ingles. (Yes, I speak English)
• Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.
• Vermont: Yep.
• Virginia: Who says government stiffs and slack-jawed yokels don't mix?
• Washington: Help! We're being overrun by slackers and nerds!
• Washington, D.C.: Wanna be mayor?
• West Virginia: One big happy family.... really!
• Wisconsin: Come and cut the chesse.
• Wyoming: Where men are men.... and sheep are scared!

• Police in Wichita, Kansas arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass to counterfeit $16 bills.
• A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each others head.
• The Chico, CA, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one withing city limits.
• A bus carrying 5 passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
• A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
• When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
• A Los Angeles man who later claimed he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and lead police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Titanic Video: $9.99 on the internet.
Clinton Video: $9.99 on the internet.

Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long

Titanic: the story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent tragedy
Clinton: the story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent tragedy

Titanic: Villin: White Star Line
Clinton: Villin: Ken Starr

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a BS artist

Titanic: At one point, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: during the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: let's not go there

Titanic: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is 70%

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica, uh.... never mind.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary.

• If you commit a crime and plan to run from the police on foot, DO pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
• Don't invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have a pile of dope on the table in plain view.
• When you go on a burglary spree DO ensure that you have enough gas in your truck to drive away from the crime scene. "But I know the people who live here," is not a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbor's house while they are out of town.
• When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test DON'T say, "Well hell, I can't do that sober!" on camera and then plead not guilty.
• If you are going to steal a car DO pick one that will blend in with traffic better than a pearl white six-door limo. DON'T answer a question with the phrase, "Who, me?" when you and the officer are the only people within a ten mile radius.
• DON'T repeat the question that the officer just asked. That is a stall technique and it gives away the fact that you are about to lie through your teeth.
• DON'T say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces him/herself on the traffic stop.
• DO pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the officer about your name.
• DO ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
• When you attempt to drop your crack cocaine on the ground when approached by an officer DON'T bouce said crack off the officer's boot.
• DO come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants," when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pockets.
• DON'T ask an off-duty plain clothes officer in his privately-owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
• If you leave your pants, ID, and car at a crime scene, the cops will probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
• If you plan to do a drive-by shooting from a moped, in the line of sight of an officer in a marked unit, DO plan to spend a couple nights in jail.
• If you're going to stop by a restaurant and grad a bite and you see a uniformed police officer standing by the counter, DO take the joint from behind your ear and leave it in the car before you walk in.
• If you are caught on video selling dope and viewing the video with your attorney in the investigations office, DON'T say, "Man you got me good. Look, you can see the dope in my hand."
• A good defence when caught selling dope on video tape is NOT, "That's not me, that's someone using my face."
• DON'T fight with a stranger under a large bright sign that reads P-O-L-I-C-E.
• If you are a prostitute, DON'T solicit a police chief for "services" when he is in a car with a blue light on the dash.
• If your are going to jump into a stranger's fenced backyard, make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
• DON'T use you parole ID as identification when you are trying to buy a pistol.
• If you are involved in a hit-and-run accident make sure you take your front lisense plate with you when you leave the scene.
• If you break into a house where the occupants are home make sure the homeowner is NOT an ex-Marine drill instructor who can kick your ass and hold you for the police.
• The front of your pants is NOT a good place to accidentally discharge your firearm when fleeing from a robbery.
• If you plan to use another's name when speaking to the cops, make sure they don't have any outstanding warrents for their arrest.
• If you are stopped your drunk driving it is NOT a good idea to switch drivers when the officer is 20 ft. behind you, watching, expecially if the passenger is more intoxicated than you are.
• If you are going to hide under a bed in order to avoid detection from an officer searching your house, make sure your feet aren't sticking out the end!
• If you are going to run from the police at night, refrain from wearing those shoes that have flashing red lights in them that light up when they strike the ground.
• If you rod someone who has no cash on them DON'T have them write you a check using your real name.
• If you do a burglary of a neighbor's house, DON'T do it immediately after a three-foot snowfall, walking directly through the snow to your house leaving clear, deep prints.

• The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
• It's a game of inches.
• He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
• That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
• When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding it.
• He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
• He found his tight end.
• He had to stretch to get it in!
• He gets penetration into their backfield!
• He bangs it in!
• He could go all the way!
• He gets it off just in time!
• He goes deep!
• He found a hole and slid through it!
• He pounds it in!
• He beats them off at the movement of the ball!
• He's got great hands!

• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the candy bar.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if they eat more than you do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brady, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you, it makes you look thinner.
• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, ect.) do not have any additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
• Cookie pieces contain no fat; the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
• Thinks licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwhich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
  NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
• Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, popsicles.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

• The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursdat morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church on Wednesday.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7:00 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
• Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight the topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 PM at the First Presbytarian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
• Mrs Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• Please join use in showing support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
• The Lutheran Men's Group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatos, green beans, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge; up yours."
• Our next song is, "Angels we have heard get high."
• Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
• For those of you that don't know it, we have a nursury downstairs.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Eight new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

• Greetings: "How the f*ck are ya?"
• Fraud: "I got f*cked by the used car dealer."
• Resignation: "Oh, f*ck it."
• Trouble: "I guess I'm f*cked now.
• Aggresion: "F*CK YOU!"
• Disgust: "F*ck me."
• Confusion: "What the f*ck...."
• Difficulty: "I don't understand this f*cking business!"
• Dispair: "F*ucked again...."
• Pleasure: "I f*cking couldn't be happier."
• Displeasure: "What the f*ck is going on here?"
• Lost: "Where the f*ck are we?"
• Disbelief: "UNF*CKINGBELIEVEABLE!" or "How the f*ck did you do that?"
• Retaliation: "Up your f*cking ass!"
• Denial: "I didn't f*cking do it!"
• Apathy: "Who really gives a f*ck, anyhow?"
• Suspicion: "Who the f*ck are you?"
• Panic: Let's get the f*ck out of here."
• Directions: "F*ck off."

"As we prepare for take-off, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are in fully upright and in their most uncomfortable position."
"There are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 6 ways to leave this aircraft."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of a water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this aircraft; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Folks, we have reached cruising altitude, so I'm going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move around as you wish, but please stay inside the plane until we leave.... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings, it affects our flight pattern."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose preasure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

• Coors put it's slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as, "Suffer from diarrea."
• Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
• Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
• When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
• Colgate introduced a toothpaste into France called Cue, which was also the name of a notorious porno mag.
• An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of, "I saw the Pope," (el Papa), the shirts read, "I saw the potato." (la Papa)
• In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated into the name, "Schweppes Toilet Water."
• Pepsi's, "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation," translated into, "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
• Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as, "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

• The Cat in the Blender
• Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
• Fox in Detox
• Who Shat in the Hat?
• Horton Hires a Ho
• The Flesh-Eating Lorax
• How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
• The Grinch's Ten Inches
• Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out!
• Are You My Proctologist?
• My Pocet Rocket Needs a Socket
• Aunts in My Pants
• Horton Fakes an Orgasm

How are pubic hairs like parsley?
You push them aside before you eat.

How are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They're both designed for children, but it's the father who always ends up playing with them.

Why did God invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too!

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends....

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mt. Olive?
Popeye almost killed him.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb
Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree, and a gynecologist looks up your family bush.

How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice dick."

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.

What's the definiton of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in.... definitely!

What do Kodak film and condoms have in common?
They both capture the moment.

Moms have Mother's Day and Dads have Father's Day, but what day do single people have?
Palm Sunday.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

There's no business like show business,
But there's no job like a blowjob

What do dildos and soy beans have in common?
They're both used as substitute meat.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

Why is a woman like a condom?
They both spend more time on your wallet than on your pecker.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, and anal sex make your hole weak.

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first brownie.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between ooooh and aaaah?
About 3 inches.

What is the definition of a wicker box?
What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

• I can't reach my lisence unless you hold my beer.
• Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
• Are you Andy or Barney?
• I pay your salary!
• Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph. to keep up with me! Good job!
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
• I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• Bad cop! No donut!
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
• So, uh, are you on the take, or what?
• Gee, officer, that's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Ok, just so one of us does.
• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around- that's how far ahead of me they are.
• What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist!
• Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the gas pedal and the brake pedal causing me to speed out of control.
• Hey, is that a 9mm.? That's nothing compared to this .49 magnum!
• When the officer says, "Gee son, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can only get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. They're more fu*ked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the ones you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends becaus their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how hard you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care about most in life are taken away from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

• Lane 1: Passionate Lady
• Lane 2: Bare Belly
• Lane 3: Silk Panties
• Lane 4: Conscience
• Lane 5: Jockey Shorts
• Lane 6: Clean Sheets
• Lane 7: Thighs
• Lane 8: Big Dick
• Lane 9: Heavy Bosom
• Lane 10: Merry Cherry

AND THEY"RE OFF!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being preasured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs,
And Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

At the halfway mark:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open,
Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pressed hard against Clean Sheets,
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly,
Bare Belly is under terrific preasure from Big Dick.

At the stretch:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain,
Big Dick is making a final dive,
Bare Belly is in, and Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything it has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat, but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head.
Bare Belly shows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up,
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

• On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while asleep. (Gee, that's the only time I have time to work on my hair!)
• On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nessasary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
• On a bar of Dial soap: Use like regular soap. (which would be.... how?)
• On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: defrost." (but it's just a suggestion!)
• On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (???)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
• On Marks and Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (are you sure?)
• On packaging for a Rowanta iron: Do not iron cloths on body. (wouldn't that save time? and whose body?)
• On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
• On Nytol sleep aid: Causes drowsiness. (one would hope!)
• On a Korean kitchen knife: Keep out of children.
• On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to outer space or underground)
• On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (hmmm, now I'm curious)
• On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
• On an American Airlines pack of peanuts: "Insructions: open packet, eat nuts."
• On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop with hands or genitals.
• On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (way to destroy a childhood fantasy!)

  ---

  Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
• Accept this sacrafice, O' Great Lord of Darkness!
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that.... uh... that, uh... thingie.
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex!
• Oops! Has anyone ever survived 500 ml. of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again....
• You know, there's big money in kidney's, and this guy's got two of them.
• Everyone stand back! I lost my contact lense!
• Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
• Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
• Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
• Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
• Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

• A small deer came into my camp and stole a bag of pickles. Is there any way I can get reimbursed?
• Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
• Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to limit worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness.
• Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
• Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
• All mile markers are missing this year.
• Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
• Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
• Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
• Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
• Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without hiking to them.
• The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
• Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so that people can hike at night with flashlights.
• Need more signs to keep area pristine.
• A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head.
• The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
• Too many rocks in the mountains.

• Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Teachers Strike Idle Kids
• Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

• can make you think you're whispering when you're really not.
• is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
• may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
• may lead you to beleive that ex-lover are really dying for you too call them at 4 in the morning.
• may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
• may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
• may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember)
• is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than really really big guy named Franz.
• may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• may lead you to think that people are laughing WITH you.
• may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, where small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally dissapear.
• may actually CAUSE pregnency.

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgant.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

• My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
• A is for acedemics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
• Hi, this is John. If this is the phone company, I already sent the money. If this is my parents, please send money.
• If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it. Wait for the beep.
• Hellp, I am David's answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call back sooner!
• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of recieving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and message and they'll get back to you.
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
• Hi, this is George, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I call back.
• If you're a burgler, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be recorded and used by us.
• Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
• 3 have been arrested for assault
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 are current defendants in lawsuits

• Your potted plants stay alive.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
• You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
• You carry an umbrella.... because you watch the Weather Channel.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

• Minimize food budget by sceduling classes around happy hour.
• Enjoy being a sophomore- it will be the best 3 years of your life.
• Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, 'cause it's all fun and games 'till someone loses their 'nads.
• Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
• Earn extra cash by parlaying into lucrative "home pharmacuticals" buisiness.
• If an 8:00 AM class is required for your major, change your major.
• Boring lecture? Start a wave!
• College-level Algebra: 5 returnable bottles= 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
• "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
• Remember: almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
• Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
• Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
• Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor; think of it as "acing Biology."
• In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

• "You Were an Accident"
• "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
• "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
• "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
• "The Protocals of the Grandpas os Zion"
• "How to Dress Sexy For Grownups"
• "Getting More Chocolate On Your Face"
• "Where Would You Like to be Buried?"
• "Where's Godot?"
• "Katy Was Bad So Her Mother Stopped Loving Her"
• "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer ... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
• "All Dogs Go To Hell"
• "The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking"
• "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer.... They Say God Did It"
• "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
• "Bi-Curious George"
• "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
• "You Are Different and That's Bad"

• Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
• There are 10 commandments, not 12.
• There are 12 disciples
• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
• We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
• The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not refered to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
• David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
• When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
• We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
• When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
• The Virgin Mary is not refered to as, "Mary with the Cherry."
• The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
• Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

• Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

• Bank accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
• Blenders: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
• Chocolate bars: Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
• Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
• Commercials: You can't beleive a word they say.
• Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
• Coolers: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
• Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
• Curling irons: They're always hot, and always in your hair.
• Government bonds: They take so long to mature.
• Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
• Lava lamps: Fun to look at, but not that bright.
• Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Parking spots: The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
• Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

• +65- Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
• +60- Californians put on a sweater (if they can find one).
• +50- Miami residents turn on the heat.
• +45- Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
• +40- You can see your breath. Califorians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
• +35 - Italian cars don't start.
• +32 - Water freezes.
• +30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
• +25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
• +20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
• +15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• +10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
• +5 - American cars don't start.
• 0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
• -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
• -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
• -25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
• -40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South.
• -50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
• -80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

• Reach in and grab the giblets.
• Whew, that's one teriffic spread!
• I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
• Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
• She's 5000 lbs. fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
• It's Cool Whip time!!!!
• If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
• It must be broken, 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing comes out!