Rebecca: [said while REALLY gassy] Don't squeeze my stomach. I'm a little like a squeak toy right now.
Rebecca: [in reference to an NIU professor that spoke highly of her to her mom] He was just fluffing you.
[in reference to a sign we saw for sale at Bed Bath and Beyond saying "Children Are a Gift From God"] Rebecca: If children are a gift from God, then God is either the evil demon [from Decartes] or a big joke. Me: God must be into gag gifts.
[in reference to the following quote: "Wouldn't it be great if hookers accepted credit cards, just like gas stations? That way, if you were in a hurry you could use the convenient pay-at-the-pimp feature." -Kim Moser] Rebecca: [Gas stations] should totally have that. Oil companies basically are pimps anyway... just not in the cool flamboyant sort of way. Me: Yeah, it's more like the "I'll cut that bitch if I don't get my money" sort of way.
Rebecca: [to me] I owe you some garlic cock.
[in reference to this quote]
Me: How would that work? Wouldn't the jizz dry up? Rebecca: Maybe not if it's refrigerated or something. Me: Mythbusters should test that. Rebecca: We should test that. Me: Yes, we should. Rebecca: I can see it now, Dad wonders what the new special sauce is...
Jim (Rebecca's dad): What do they call those things that last for five years? Rebecca: I think you're supposed to call a doctor if it lasts for more than four hours!
[Paul and Rebecca were walking back to the dorms from the schoolhouse. Rebecca had glanced up at the clock and noticed that it was 10:15 with Paul due to leave for class at 10:30.] Rebecca: Hmm, we're getting back just in time to get you off.
Rebecca: [in regards to a press release I was writing for her] Now, do I have to be professional, or can I make references to your balls?
Rebecca: [cheered up after a debate with someone handing out Chick tracts on campus] That made my day. I think I needed someone to try to convert me to Christianity.
[discussing our successful campaign for NIU student government] Me: We almost had "Oh yeah!" [a la Duffman or Quagmire] for our campaign slogan. We probably would've gotten more votes that way. Rebecca: And the person with the most votes was a guy in a gorilla suit. Me: Now if that's not American politics in a nutshell...
Rebecca: (to Nichole) Ok, I'll poop while you look.
Rebecca: It's probably not a good sign when the EYE-Grant application for your Honors project elicits the response "This sounds like a potential Darwin Award." [Rebecca witnessed this as a member of the Honors committee evaluating such an application.]
[Rebecca and I were making out the invite list for our wedding.] Rebecca: Put "Albert + 2."
[minute-long giggling from both of us] Me: That'll be fun to explain to my family. Rebecca: And mine. Me: If anyone at the wedding takes issue with my best man bringing two male guests, that's their problem.
Rebecca: Why don't you get rid of that old computer? Me: Because it still works and I don't want to just throw it out. What else am I supposed to do with it? Rebecca: Give it to my parents. Me: And what would they do with it? Rebecca: Beat it with sticks. They might just throw poop at it.
[Rebecca's parents are very technophobic.]
Rebecca: (to me) I'm very obsessive. It's a good thing you like me, otherwise I'd probably stalk you.
Rebecca: You know how to make everything all better. Me: By reading you stories about other people's suffering? Rebecca: Well, when you put it that way...
[said in reference to our frequent activity of me reading Darwin Awards to her]
[the day after the 2006 midterm elections] Me: The Illinois elections results still only have 85% of precincts reporting. Rebecca: That's because some precincts are still looking for dead people.
[in reference to the 2006 Senate race in Tennessee between Bob Corker (R) and Harold Ford, Jr. (D)] Me: CNN just called it for Cracker, I mean Corker. Rebecca: Aww, I wanted Ford to win! I liked him! Me: Really? I didn't. Rebecca: But you liked Cracker less? Me: Yeah. But on the plus side, now I have someone I can call Cracker for the next 6 years. That's some consolation.
[I feel Corker earned the right to be called that after the infamous race-baiting used by his campaign.]
[Rebecca, going through her period, had left a still-wrapped pad on the dashboard of my car in case she had to change while we were out somewhere. It had been sitting in the sun for awhile...] Rebecca: Now your car smells like tampon. Me: What does tampon smell like? Rebecca: Not much. It smells better when it gets bloody.
Rebecca: "So many personalities, so little time." I should make that into a t-shirt. The teenage girls would buy it right up. Me: [referencing Family Guy] Or "Cum Dumpster." I think we're going to see a t-shirt like that someday yet. Rebecca: No, it's going to be on those pants, you know, with the words on the butt. Me: [giggling] Aw, that's gross!
[Me, reading from the Evil Overlord List] If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. Rebecca: Or a load.
Rebecca: I like Hillary Clinton because she's someone I could sit down and have a thoughtful conversation with. Me: That's the liberal equivalent of "someone I could sit down and have a beer with" [a common justification provided by conservatives for why they support not-terribly-bright people like Dubya], isn't it? Rebecca: Yeah.
Rebecca: It's that time of the month. Well, not that that time, but before that time. Me: [matter-of-factly] Yeah, I've noticed. You're more manic-depressive than usual.
[As if to demonstrate my point, she then laughs hysterically for at least a full minute.]
Rebecca: I made you quit smoking, the least I can do is become a drunk for you.
Rebecca: If you ever cheat on me, I'm going to the bar and getting gangbanged.
Me: You'll be crying and I'll have no pants. Rebecca It'll be awesome.
Rebecca: Bandit [one of Rebecca's cats] had babies! Me: How many? Rebecca: Five. Three girls, all black, and two boys that look like her. We're pretty sure Satan's the father.
Rebecca: The bigger the asshole, the higher up the chain of command.
John Laesch: I've always thought of the Democratic Party as sort of a gateway drug. [*No* idea of what this was in reference to or what he meant by it; this is just what I overheard while he was talking to someone in another room.]
Erik: It's a strange GOD that creates a Universe of 100 billion galaxies each with 100 billion stars just so he can wait 14 billion years for a small primate to evolve and worship him. What is so intelligent about that?
Rebecca: Now I have something to scare the night terrors away with. Now every time I think the little boy [from the movie The Grudge] is coming to get me, I can think of my roommate and her boyfriend humping over my head.
[This happened. They thought she was asleep one night. Rebecca was quite grossed out. -ed.]
Rebecca: (in reference to Alex's various sexual fetishes) He's like the Renaissance man of fucking... only without the actual fucking.
Doris: I like your new haircut. Rebecca: Oh, I didn't get a haircut, I just washed it.
Edwin: (sarcastically, in reference to the lack of vegetarian/vegan options at NIU) Everyone knows vegans are like snakes; we only have to eat once every couple months.
[from Environmental Ethics class, in reference to a common metaphor the professor uses to illustrate his points] Someone: Gosh, why do we talk about torturing babies so much?
Rebecca: I'm afraid of long car rides with strangers. Me: Afraid we'll get raped and killed or something? Rebecca: No, afraid I'll have to talk to them. Me: Yeah, now I know why I fell in love with you. They can rape and kill me, just so long as I don't have to talk to them.
[Rebecca and I were looking through the DVD bargain bin at Wal-Mart.] Rebecca: Ooh, "All Grown Up!" Me: (without looking up) That sounds hot. Me: (upon looking up) Oh wait, that's Rugrats!
Rebecca: Can't we just have mutually-satisfying hate-sex? Me: I think that's what [Rebecca's roomie] Venessa and [her boyfriend] Jeff have sometimes.
Rebecca: Fauxhawks look like a guy just finished rubbing their head up against a chick's crotch.
Rebecca: (to me) You're such a sweetheart that you're almost gay.
Rebecca: I will go through other people's trash, but I will not wear used clothes.
Rebecca: I love movies where balls get shot off. [said in reference to Pulp Fiction]
Me: For groups that claim to be all about personal responsibility, conservatives and libertarians sure do say "That's not my fault" or "It's not my problem" an awful lot.
Mylan Engel (NIU philosophy professor and faculty advisory to the Vegetarian Education Group): Being a vegetarian in Alabama is up there with being an atheist... and almost as bad as being a communist.
Ben Wisenhunt (NIU history professor): When I was in school, they taught us to read by beating us.
Ben Wisenhunt (NIU history professor): Here's a tip - when you're going to the front in a war you're massively losing, don't take your hemophiliac son. [in reference to Tsar Nicholas II of Russia, doing just that during WWI]
Rebecca: In the time it's taking Jeff to get the car, we've been able to almost take advantage of Naz, and then talk her and ourselves out of it, and you've had time to go through my hair!
[This was in Eastern European Politics class, and we were simulating EU entrance talks.] Prof. Kamenitsa: So the item currently under discussion is whether to set a timetable for the entrance of Romania and Bulgaria. Unknown person: Timetables only help terrorists!
[The entire room, including the professor, bursts out in laughter.]
Rebecca: I've seen chickens run around with their heads cut off. It's disturbing and so fucking awesome.
Me: Yeah, I didn't decide I wanted to go until it was way too late to ask for time off, and I didn't know anyone to trade shifts with. Rebecca: So someone had to die.
Rebecca: (to me) You're sexy in a world-dominating sort of way.
[Rebecca wants me to try a "pighip," some secret family recipe that's exactly what it sounds like, when I meet her family for Thanksgiving, despite the fact that I'm a vegetarian. She describes her reasoning for this...] Rebecca: My family has a history of killing animals and feeding them to people, okay? And I want you to share in it. It's important to me.
Rebecca: I love my door. It has people fucking above John Laesch.
Rebecca: So why did Pat's grandpa shoot a cop while he was drunk? Me: Pat never said. I'm sure there was a reason for it. Rebecca: Yeah, my dad wouldn't need a reason to shoot a cop. Me: Except he'd call him a pig. Rebecca: Yeah, and mom would think he was going out to get dinner!
Me: You fell into my trap. Rebecca: Yeah, I did. Me: The first time I saw you, I thought, 'Man, I could ruin her political career forever.'
Rebecca: I'm very awake right now, so forgive me while I jump around like a squirrel on crack.
Rebecca: (misspelling stuff on AIM) I was born under a lucky tsar.
Rebecca: Wait, if God was Jesus, why did Jesus pray to God?
[Rebecca, Naz, and I were in the cafeteria having dinner...] Rebecca: [to me, smiling] You know what we should do tonight? Me: [somewhat sullen] Ok... Rebecca: You don't enjoy it, do you? Me: I just don't get as much pleasure out of it as you do. Rebecca: Well, I'd like to do something that gives you as much pleasure, but I can't think of anything!
[Meanwhile, we notice Naz is watching us with a look of shock/surprise/confusion.] Me: [to Naz] Oh, this has nothing to do with sex, by the way. Rebecca: Yeah, we're talking about him going through my hair for dandruff.
Rebecca: Stuff like Nietzsche shouldn't be in the same section as stuff like "Harry Potter and Philosophy." They should have one section for philosophy, and another for bullshit philosophy.
[while talking to Rebecca about Phi Sigma Zeta, the political science fraternity] Me: PSZ should have hazings. Rebecca: Yeah, they should. It would be hilarious. Me: Just imagine, [hot girl from the prior ball gag quote] getting spanked by Naz. Rebecca: Yeah, with a ball gag in her mouth. Me: I'm totally not into either of those, but that would be so hot, just because it's her.
Albert: [referring to his anti-vegetarianism] It's not a meal unless something had to die.
Rebecca: [to me] You know, my boob covers your whole face.
Rebecca: I'm going to plop myself, spread my legs, and see what happens.
Alex: i am the suave pirate of ultimate silliness Rebecca: that you are Alex: i will reign my drops of suavity upon thy land Alex: and you shall know my name is alex Rebecca: uh, do i dare ask from what body part? Alex: oh Alex: no please dont Rebecca: didn't think so
Rebecca: [in reference to eel girl (warning: definitely not PG-13)] What if you couldn't get one of them out and it died up there? Then if someone asked, "What crawled up your butt and died," you could be like, "an eel"!
Rebecca: [in reference to a hot but overly talkative girl on our floor] She'd be hotter with a ball gag in her mouth.
Me: Yes, french fries are necessary for the squirrel resistance, ok?
[Rebecca and I were discussing poster ideas for our upcoming run for SA Senate. I was responding to one of her ideas...] Me: It'd almost be worth seeing Albert's asshole just to be able to see that poster.
Rebecca (to me): You're easy until you get sweaty.
[referring to his annoyance with people misspelling things in papers] Ben Wisenhunt (my history professor): In my class, serfs don't surf and peasants don't fly. Oh, I love reading papers about the *pheasant* revolts...
Naz [while heavily drunk and watching porn with me and Rebecca] Aww, is that in her butt?!?
[in reference to being asked to rate the movie The Constant Gardener] Rebecca: Would the rating go down if I threw up afterwards?
[Yes, that actually happened, due to the extremely shaky hand-held camera combined with sitting in the second row. We both agree that it was otherwise a good movie, though.]
[Background: Rebecca was trying to write a paper for her Problems of Knowledge class. She was trying to think of a phrase for messing something up, like "throws a wrench in the works," but couldn't. She ends up with a really odd idea...] Rebecca's paper: Gettier's objection to the TAK throws a squirrel into the powerlines of knowledge.
Rebecca: [referring to why I should take a certain class] And the professor's hot, too. Me: (sarcastically) Yeah, because that really matters to me. Rebecca: It would to Albert. Me: I'm not Albert. Rebecca: And you never will be with that attitude!
Brett (who was obviously quite a bit drunk at the time): RAAAAGH! I feel like I can lift up this wall and throw it through the door!
One of the things I've learned is that philosophy majors tend to show up to class unprepared. But they learn how to fake it... Even if they don't fully get it, they can get something in the ballpark, or at least amusing. -William Tolhurst, my prof for PHIL 331
Rebecca: You're cussing a lot today. Me: (intended jokingly) You got a problem with that, bitch? Rebecca: (look of surprise/horror) Me: Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. Rebecca: (also jokingly) Fuckhead.
Rebecca: (in reference to murals on the outside walls of the animal shelter) Oh, those were cats? I thought they were fetuses.
Rebecca: Aw, there's no hardcorebitchslap.com!
Rebecca: We should get into ass-slapping fights more often.
[Context: I was doing one of my final projects for Basic News Writing on, well, finals, at 1:00 AM in the middle of finals week, because I was out of ideas and it was due the next day. I was interviewing Bart for it...] Me: Have finals affected any other aspects of your life? Bart: I don't know, uh, sleeping schedule is kinda messed up, sleeping three hours a day, having trouble getting or maintaining an erection...
[He insists he was joking about the last part, BTW.]
"This is the nice thing about philosophy: you get to make up the rules as you go along!" -William Tolhurst, my prof for PHIL 331
Rebecca: When in doubt, buy hookers! [This is in reference to a scene in And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself.]
Me: [referring to the fact that the schedule I want for next semester has two classes on opposite sides of campus within 15 minutes of each other] I finally found a schedule I'm happy with, and I'm not letting stupid things like space and time get in the way!
Rebecca: You smell funny. Me: (confused) I wouldn't know why. Rebecca: (upon closer inspection) Oh, that's just clean clothes.
Me: This wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't small.
Lauren Hall (my prof for POLS 251): In Saudi Arabia they still have public executions every Friday. Patrick Greene (one of my classmates): Cool!
[If you know him, you know he's probably serious. Hardcore jingo. -ed.]
So, now that we have established humans are naturally cruel and evil, why don't we design a system of government where all of these evil people decide to give unlimited power to one evil person and hope for universal peace! -Jason Bohannon, from my PHIL 331 class, summarizing Thomas Hobbes
Rebecca: [while watching an episode of the old Batman cartoon over at Dollar Video] Why do they keep calling him The Batman? He's just Buttman!
Me: I never knew Lee [our CA] was pro-torture. Rebecca: Yeah, I'm pro-torturing-Lee.
[Update: Lee, upon hearing about this, stated that he is decidedly anti-torturing-Lee.]
[Rebecca was telling me to do something while I was really tired.] Me: Let me drink my pee... I mean, my tea, in peace!
Rebecca: I can't run for political office because of Kevin. Me: Why was that again? Rebecca: For one thing, because you have a copy of The Anarchist Cookbook. Albert: So just run for the Anarchist Party. You wouldn't have to do much...
"War is the reason all of you are able to do what you're doing." -said over a megaphone by an Illinois State Trooper to Peoria anti-war protesters [good to know this is what my tax dollars are paying for]
[Update: Just for the record, my problem with the guy isn't that he's right-wing. It's that he's an on-duty police officer. I don't really care what opinions he has, but it's another story when those opinions could be construed as affecting how he does his job.]
[Rebecca's dad was telling me about some town council meeting where people were arguing about gay marriage.] Random dude: "Civil rights" is just another term for sinning!
[Rebecca and I were discussing the prospect of dropping by her parent's place, who I hadn't yet met, unannounced.] Rebecca: My dad will probably be at least slightly drunk. Me: Maybe we should wait until later, when they're better prepared. Rebecca: : No, because then my dad will be sober, and his aim will be good! Me: Please tell me I can quotefile that.
[She was entirely serious, by the way.]
[Rebecca was explaining to her parents that she and I don't want children. Her dad was perturbed by this, as he apparently wants grandchildren at some point. Rebecca's mom tries to reassure him...] Rebecca's mom: Maybe they'll have an "oops"!
Rebecca [while really tired]: Oooh, bed... oh wait, this is the floor!
[There are currently flags of a bunch of countries hanging in the windows at the front entrance to the residence hall. You know, what with it being home to International House and all. I was out front smoking, and some people passed by...] Random guy 1: China? Who cares about the chinks?!? Random guy 2: That's Japan. [referring to the fact that it was the Japanese flag they were looking at] Random guy 1: Same thing! [followed by some other stuff I didn't hear]
Rebecca: The best sex is when you're bruised the day after.
[I don't even know what the context is here. I heard this as I was passing by someone's room.] Jess: Hey, incest! Foster: Cool!
Lee: So who's a pedophile? Tom: I was a pedophile.
[Said in reference to a tour group that had just passed through. Tom said hi to a 4-year-old, and the mother smiled nervously. Dave called him a pedophile.]
Dave: I'll spoon you! [while threatening Brett with a spoon]
Me, while filling out a survey for Naz for some class of hers, in reference to a question about which 2004 Senate candidate I was voting for: Aww, why am I writing Keyes?!?!?
Naz: Well, they're hard when they go in. [She was apparently talking about pasta.]
[in French class] Aaron: (jokingly) How does "Git R Dun" translate?
Bart: I'm not gay, just drunk! [said after he suddenly and inexplicably kissed the top of my head]
Bart (my roomie): I saw a black pimp and a white hobo get into a fight in Chicago yesterday.
[I'm on my way out to have a smoke, and I see Lee running down the hall with Jess chasing after him, yelling at him. What was it about, you ask?] Jess: Lee, that's my banana condom!
David: Best to err on the side of shitsex.
Justin: I searched for gay guys interested in urine.
Jill: Let's talk about something happy, like abortion!
(my dad, on his reasons for voting against George W. Bush) Well, I *do* tend to work a lot steadier with a Democrat in office.
Pat: [This is somewhat of a paraphrase.] That guy's so cool I almost want to chop my dick off and give it to him, because I don't deserve it anymore!
Robbie: (to David) This is not a soda. Prepare for me to touch your cock.
[while watching Outfoxed, a documentary about the Fox News Channel] Some FNC anchor: The bigger issue today is John Kerry's involvement with a group that is inherently violent. David: Like the Army?
[In the interests of fairness, I've decided to post the infamous nine-year-old quote in its entirety.}
(Background: While making characters for an L5R adventure I was running, I mention that a nine-year-old version of Shahai, one of Justin's favorite characters, is going to be in the adventure.) Justin: Sweet, can I take "True Love: Shahai"? Me: No! Justin: Why not? Me: Because she's nine! Justin: So?
(Justin and I argue back and forth about this for a few minutes, but I refuse to budge. Later, during the actual adventure...) Me: You see Shahai. Justin: Is she sexy? Me: (intended to be sarcastic) Yes Justin, she's one sexy nine-year-old.
David: We are now cockbrothers by way of burrito.
[Justin notices a weird bandage on the hand of someone he works with.] Justin: Hey, what'd you do to your hand? Nikki: Nacho cheese.
[The funny thing is that she wasn't joking. And no, I'm not providing context.]
Justin: What else does Angela do that's funny? Me: What doesn't Angela do that's funny? Justin: Pooping. Me: Yeah, that's not funny. Me: Peeing. Justin: Period. Me:Yeah, that's definitely not funny. Justin: Having sex. Pat: Yeah, Angela having sex wouldn't be funny. Unless it were with a clown or something.
[Pat and I then proceed to giggle uncontrollably thinking about that. Hell, I'm giggling as I write this.]
Justin: [a couple seconds after walking into the bathroom] Hey, the turd's gone!
[Update to the Angela quote on Rachel Corrie: Angela had printed out a flier which featured a picture of Corrie. Stephanie walks in and sees it...] Stephanie: Hey, who's the hot chick?
Pat: I'd rather have an Arabic dictionary shoved up my ass than take the Arabic final.
[Justin was having an AIM debate with a guy from Protest Warrior, a right-wing forum.]
Pikey187: I'm not discriminating on the basis of gender. I'm simply saying I'm not going to hire anyone that has to get maternity leave.
Why do yoga? "Went vegetarian last year but life still doesn't suck enough." -Andy Cowell
When Canada and the US compare governments, we can all agree: at least we're not Chile. -from the subject line at #politics on IRC
Justin: The truest test is when you fuck a guy in the ass.
Justin: Pat will join us in sucking dick. [Said to Justin's mom, it should be noted.]
Robbie: [after Justin threatened to dump a plate of chicken bones in his lap] If you do that, I'll fuck you.
Justin: So are we gonna go gay? Kevin: Yeah, I'm going to have to go gay.
Angela: They went into that fight balls out.
Justin [while playing with my digital camera]: Hey Robbie, take your balls out and shake them, I want to take a movie.
[Update to the Angela quote on Rachel Corrie - while I didn't find Angela's comment offensive, THIS one certainly was. -ed.] David: Was she talking about the post-bulldozer pics?
Justin: I have to make sure not to rock out to T.A.T.U. too loud else my step-dad may hear and mock vociferously.
[Angela was trying to convince me to go to college in SD.] Angela: come to south dakota, be one with your inner freeper Me: well, it'd be closer to you, so it wouldn't be *all* bad. just 99% bad. :-P Angela: yeah Angela: how romantic, we can cuddle under the starlit sky while some psycho pours "FUCK DYKES" in gas on my lawn Angela: ;) Angela: wouldn't that be great ? :D Me: you have no idea how not surprised i'd be if that actually happened ;-) Angela: actually it happened :p Angela: minus the cuddling Angela: just the gas ;P Me: and guess what? i'm not surprised!
Angela: hey, rachel corrie was pretty hot ;) Angela: er... that's not cool is it? ;/
[I didn't think this was nearly as offensive as Justin did, but it's still funny. -ed.]
Alex: Aww, Willie had his balls out, and he was shaking 'em! Justin: Ooh, let me see!
Justin: (to Willie) If you want my nuts, you can have them.
Pat: I used to play "Swords" with my dad. [You get a cookie if you know what this refers to. -ed.]
Angela: (in reference to "The Passion of the Christ") If you took out all the religious aspects, it would be hardcore BDSM porn.
Justin: (referring to the URL autocomplete deely on his internet browser) Aw, I hit "H" and the first things that come up are Hannity and horse porn!
GaladrielsSlave: hahah
GaladrielsSlave: one of the [Democratic Underground] guys got kicked off of [Free Republic] because he POSTED THE BILL OF RIGHTS AHHAHAHAH
[Want to know more about Freepers? Go here. -ed.]
Robbie: You think Peoria sucks because there's nothing to do? Well I have to drive 20 minutes to get to a place where there's nothing to do!
Justin: Would you rather have been in the GOP picutre, or had sex with the nine-year-old? Angela: Nine-year-old boy or girl? Wait, nevermind.
Angela: I think 9 year old sex, I think Kevin.
Angela: oh no. i found a pic of my mom holding me apparently at some political rally -- when i was like 5, and there i am, holding a sign that says "HAVIN' A GRAND OLE' TIME WITH THE G.O.P."
Justin: (arguing on an internet forum against against a radical anti-SSM guy) I hate homophobic faggots.
(Background: Willie and Randall were walking home from McDonalds on a chilly morning in August.) What Willie meant to say: Hey Randall, I'm cold. Gay. What Willie actually said: Hey Randall, I'm gay.
David: I thought I heard it, but I didn't think it was a sound that would come from an ass.
Me: Can I cast "Speak With Animals" on the cat? David: The cat can now speak with animals!
Robbie: I didn't know that came with pee. Me: Oh, well I peed in it.
Hida Rowin: oh sad, justin's mad at me now :-P
Blasphemous0Girl: why?
Hida Rowin: GaladrielsSlave: And for fuck's sake, stop talking to Malia about the balls!#$
Blasphemous0Girl: haha
Blasphemous0Girl: sorry. i just asked him if you guys had ball parties and sat around in circles photographing everyone's testicles
Hida Rowin: X'D
Kevin: Hmm... I want ass slaves.
Malia: Where does one find fat porn? Kevin: It's actually a magazine I bought.
Willie (while losing to Alex at Halo) This is unfair, because I only have one ball. Er, I mean...
Justin: I've got a great new idea for a game: we all take pictures of my balls!
Justin It makes me sad that Alex admitted to fingering his asshole. Alex: Well, I didn't do it consciously.
Justin: (to Willie) Who was the best lay: Pat, Brittney, or your dad? Willie: Pat.
[Update: We were discussing this a week later...] Willie: No, it was Brittney!
(Pat, shortly after the "digging around in the urinal" quote below) "Yeah, it was the women's urinal too. Oh wait, there isn't a women's urinal."
paleocon: college is for liberal sissies [from #politics on IRC; I think this was a serious comment, and comments like this are the reason I generally shy away from that channel -ed.]
Justin: I need to blow some men for this one.
(This is an IM I recieved from Justin's AIM, which I have been informed was authored by David) GaladrielsSlave: Come over, we are having GAY SEX! MY BALLS ARE OUT!!! Love, Pat.
Pat: Those are some big, beautiful balls! [It should of course be noted that Justin had his balls out at the time. -ed.]
Pat: Oh, I found a picture of that guy's dick!
Willie: Is THAC0 the number of arrows I have? [Don't expect to get this if you haven't played D&D 2nd Edition. -ed.]
(Someone at Justin's HS sees the Howard Dean button he wears) Person: Dude, that guy has a button that says "Dean" on it! I didn't know the deans were taking students as volunteers!
TrineMoon: Hendrix and I argued until yesterday about your [Justin's] sex.... I told him to quit calling you a he, because I was sure you were a girl... and then xunw... came along and blew that out of the water... lol [Postscript: Justin informs me that people online debate his gender rather frequently. -ed.]
Pat: I do have a CD of fat porn, and kiddie porn.
Pat (loudly, in public): Well, I do like the Nazis!
David: That's why I come here: to infringe upon the rights of others. (said after he swiped Pat's jacket and tossed it on top of a street sign outside Justin's house)
(Justin had just mentioned the aformentioned nine-year-old quote to Jacob.) Kevin: I was responding sarcastically to something Justin said! Justin: Hey, the fact that I wanted to have sex with a nine-year-old has nothing to do with this!
Justin (to Angela, after showing her his quotefile, in reference to my nine-year-old quote, the story of which implicates Justin more than it does me): Whatever Kevin tells you about the nine-year-old quote, don't believe him... he's a dirty pedophile.
Justin: The thing I'd want to do the most in there is fuck the fat chick.
Justin: Hey Pat, I need your opinion on this fat porn!
Pat: I've had shit in my hand! At work! When I was digging around in the urinals...
Justin: Speaking of dick in my butt, I have a story! [Update: I find it humorous that no one, even Justin, can remember what the actual story was. ;-) ]
Willie: Too much shaving cream, not enough balls. [Trust me, you REALLY don't want to know what the context of this is. -ed.]
Alex (seemingly out of nowhere): I should, like, pee on you, Willie.
Justin [Don't remember what this is reference to, sorry. -ed.]: That's like saying you sucked dick, but it was for charity, so it doesn't make you gay.
Justin (in an IM to David): We went to gayporn.com and found out that it is, in fact, gay porn. [I was involved in this little incident, unfortunately. :-( -ed.]
Willie: My pubes are special... they're only for Patrick!
Alex (in reference to transgendered sex): It's ok if you don't notice!
Justin: Man, Willie doesn't understand how "Don't piss outside my house," is a reasonable request!
(David, in response to a particularly wet-sounding fart by Justin) "Do you need to wipe?"
GaladrielsSlave: someone sent me a link to a "teen sexuality" forum
GaladrielsSlave: and there's a post saying "Why do nice guys never get laid?"
GaladrielsSlave: It's a typical whiny angst thing about how girls like assholes he's 19 never had a gf etc
GaladrielsSlave: and then I look over
GaladrielsSlave: and what's this "nice guy's" user name?
GaladrielsSlave: grliraped_eatingmycum
[Mr. Sullivan is a History teacher at my old HS, which Justin is currently attending. -ed.] Justin: Why don't we ever do the chapters on Asia, or Buddhism? Mr. Sullivan: Oh, Buddhism is just some guy sitting under a tree. Justin: Well, Christianity is just some guy *nailed* to a tree!
[Justin is then sent to the dean's office with "mocking Christianity" written on the referral.]
mad000: neverborn? LOL he's the least gay ultra-feminazi guy i ever met
kasel3: yeah, and he's still pretty gay
Priestess: wtf am I gay?
Priestess: err wtf, wrong nick, sec
*** Priestess is now known as Neverborn
kasel3: i can't even say anything. a guy named priestess asking why he's gay is too far for me :p
[Priestess/Neverborn is Justin, BTW. -ed.]
Courtney: What is the male equivelency of PMS and having a period?
Meg: Being at your sexual peak at 20 and not being able to do anything about it!
Courtney: I don't know which one is worse!
Willie: I was supposed to type "pens," but I accidentially typed "penis," because I was thinking of David at the time.
I'm fat, not queer; there's a difference. -overheard in my Modern Western Civ class [I have no idea *what* the hell this is in reference to, but the guy who said it is generally a dumbshit, so it might not be in reference to *anything*. -ed.]
AsakoOnasuke: DUDE
AsakoOnasuke: Willie called his dad on speaker
AsakoOnasuke: answering machine
AsakoOnasuke: and willie says hi dad i just wanted you to know
AsakoOnasuke: and i say "I'm masturbating"
AsakoOnasuke: and willie HANGS UP
AsakoOnasuke: BWAHHAHAHAHAHA~~~~~~
[from Hazel's LiveJournal.]
Yajinden: he can go eat a bowl of dicks.
KakitaYoshiko: haha
KakitaYoshiko: That... would make some interesting cereal.
Yajinden: Fellati-Os!
KakitaYoshiko: you could have coloured condoms as marshmallows
KakitaYoshiko: Fucky charms!
KakitaYoshiko: They're phallically delicious!
Yajinden: okay we're done
(David's kneejerk response upon his first viewing of the tubesock scene in American Pie) Aww, his dick is SMALL!
Justin: So you jerk off to Warlord cards? Pat: Well, it's not like I have them in front of me or anything; they're in my head. Me: (laughter) Justin: Nice hole you've dug yourself there, Pat.
Justin: We should play Vampire. It's as good as L5R, only with fewer gooks.
Justin: IMO, everything is better with Andy naked.
Patrick: Yeah, I've been blowing a lot of ass lately. [He of course meant that he's been *farting* a lot. Right. ;-) -ed.]
Justin: Remember that hot girl down by the pool? Patrick: You mean the five-year-old? Justin: Nah dude, she was at least nine.
Justin: I'd suck off a cow.
Justin: (in reference to him joking about Pat having sex with his sister) If me or Kevin had a hot sister, we'd admit to it. (pause) Oh wait, get rid of the "me."
(AsakoOnasuke = Justin, Hida Rowin = me)
AsakoOnasuke: fuck i said i'd suck off a cow?
AsakoOnasuke: really?
AsakoOnasuke: i can imagine i'd fuck my sister, but SUCK OFF A COW?
Hida Rowin: that might not be the exact quote, but you said something to that effect
AsakoOnasuke: err .. imagine saying
AsakoOnasuke: damnit
Hida Rowin: QUOTEFILE!
AsakoOnasuke: FUCK YOU
Justin: Christianity has so many denominations because a long time ago, old men had arguments.
(In reference to an away message saying something about me being sexually frustrated. DiegoBoy83 = me, delias1983 = Dan)
delias1983: Hehe. Dude. Why are you depressed if you have Patty's sweet love?
DiegoBoy83: well, if patty were a woman, everything'd be cool
delias1983: He's woman-compatible.
delias1983: You just need a bag and turn him on his stomach.
delias1983: And you need to shave his body hair.
delias1983: Ewwwwwwwww
Justin: Hey Pat, er, Mom...
(Patrick, while driving, in reference to Andy passing him on the road) Yes yes, compensate for your small penis by driving faster than me.
I've known people with stacks of porn this high. [holds hand at about stomach level] And that's just the magazines. -one of my Ethics classmates, giving a speech on pornography and censorship
(from Ethics class, no clue what this is referring to, sorry) Student: I have no idea what we're talking about. Dr. Kyulule: And that is good.
All men secretely desire to be lesbians because they want women to be attracted to them, and men to fear them. -James Pearce (my Philosophy prof.)
Andy: What's wrong with big black cock?
You're going down like the World Trade Center! -some dumbass on the Shadowlands List
(in reference to sex in the Shadowlands, I think) Patrick: Yay, we get to fight big-penised oni! Justin: ....I could've sworn you said "Big Penis Tony."
Willie: Christina Aguilara is a slut. Patrick: Yeah, she's in Playboy. Brittney (seriously): That doesn't mean she's a slut, that just means she wants money.
(in reference to my nine-year-old quote on Justin's page) Willie: Why did Kevin say that? Justin: Because I wanted to have sex with a nine-year-old.
Kevin: I like the Kolat because I'm all about stickin' it to the man. David: In a totally non-sexual way.
(Wille, while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, got peanut butter in the jelly.) Justin: What the fuck, you got peanut butter in the jelly!
(Willie then reaches in, with his fingers, and pulls it out.) Mike: What the fuck, dude, don't put your fingers in the jelly! Willie: But it's not my penis hand!
Patrick: Man, I've been farting so much, I have piz-oo stains on my underwear. [This wouldn't have been quite as funny if this wasn't in IRC and he didn't actually type out "piz-oo." -ed.]
(Patrick was running the Dragon's Table in John's absence, and someone complains that there's CRAP on the bathroom floor. David, Justin, and I, not having anything better to do, go check it out. Upon returning...) Patrick: So was there any piz-oo? David: No, but there was QUITE a bit of piz-ee.
Justin: That makes me cream my pants. (pause) In a totally non-sexual way.
Mike Noetzel: Justin, you're gay. Justin: I've been to your house, I've seen your porn- all penises. Mike: What the hell? You came to my house... and watched gay porn?
Leber: I'm jerkin' it to Justin and David.
[taken verbatim from Leber's site, The Land Beyond the Wobbles -ed.]
(WORST NIGHT EVER): 3:15 Leber: Sick dude! Whats that smell?! Willie: I dunno. Leber: I gotta turn out the light anyway. (I then proceded to go to the bathroom where I noticed that in my room large amounts of dog fecal matter was sprayed all over the ground.) Leber Holy SHIT! SICK DUDE! Willie: Aww what is tha (BLARGH) Leber: What? (I then noticed Willie's face was covered with some form of brown slime, and chunks on my pillow/blankets. Aww. He then proceded to retch again spewing up more slime on my matress. The night kept getting worse and worse and in the end Willie ended up throwing up around 4 times, putting a few of his chunks in his own mouth, and me having to clean up dog crap. All the while another friend of mine is in a different room wondering what the hell that smell is, and why we were laughing/ retching so much. Worst Night Ever. I'm writing this at 3:31.)
(UPDATE): 3:37- Chance [Leber's dog -ed] has begun to consume Willie's chunks.
Justin: Will you drink the semen, Andy? Andy: Sure, why not!
Justin: Patrick, I would send you Zilvia's picture but you might do something very inappropriate with it. Patrick: Oh really? As a matter of fact I did something inappropriate twice today. Justin: Lovely, did you use a Kleenex? Patrick: No, I did it in the sink! I always do it there.
(Update: Pat think his roommate might know of his masturbatory habits because he might've forgotten to rinse it once.)
Dave, my friend Megan's fiancee:I don't know if you're being witty or slow!
Willie: Smell my hand! David: No! Willie: But it smells like penii! David: That's why I don't want to smell it.
Justin: "The first time I met Andy, he asked the whole group to stand together for a picture for his girlfriend. I sat out because I didn't know any of these people. Willie holds up a piece of paper with 'Glavin' written on it. Andy gets rather annoyed and says 'Dude, get serious, this is for my girlfriend!' I respond with 'Yeah, Willie, turn it over and write 'YOU MAKE ME HORNY' on it.' Andy was NOT pleased."
(At Fred's house, playing D&D, Mike is fucking with the arcade machine during the adventure) Andy: Stop fucking playing with that! Mike: But it's a game!
(At a Season of the Shadowlands tourney in Champaign, IL, with Justin, Andy, Patrick, and Carl sitting in close proximity, discussing how they have difficulty remembering names) Patrick: Did you tell Carl how we remember his name? (reference to "Hot Carl," a term for felching) Carl: (shocked look) WHAT?!?!?
(Background: Me, Patrick, and some others who I can't remember were at the movie theatre watching The Mummy Returns) Kevin: Why the hell doesn't anyone notice that army big enough to take over a small country riding on top of that train? Patrick: It's Arab-World. Stuff like that happens all the time.
Patrick: Are you playing a little kid or something? (said while watching me play Red Faction, a game about a mine revolt, in which Pat misheard the guard's shout of, "MINER!")
James: (describing festivals to Dionysus back in the day) (don't remember the first part of the statement, sorry) ...and then they'd have orgies, and then they'd kill people. Kevin: Now that's MY kind of faith!
(Barb, explaining how she hates it when players try to undermine her authority as a GM) Don't fuck with me, I'll fuck back.
(Background: Dan had just described his developing fetish for latex) Patrick: (half-jokingly) So, what, do watch gymnastics and ice skating now? Dan: (also half-jokingly) Shut up.
(note: DewAndDrums00 is Sean from Amberdexter, don't know who the other guy is)
DewAndDrums00: so you and your friends are with the whole "punk" thing?
TPunk85: so-so
TPunk85: we love punk, but we also are into a lot of other stuff
DewAndDrums00: what kind of punk?
DewAndDrums00: name some bands
TPunk85: NFG
TPunk85: good charlotte
TPunk85: frogpond
DewAndDrums00: yeah, that's what i figured
TPunk85: y, what do u listen to?
DewAndDrums00: rancid, osker, ten foot pole, millencolin, midtown
DewAndDrums00: ever heard of any of those?
TPunk85: nope sorry
DewAndDrums00: that's what i thought.
TPunk85: dannie is on
TPunk85: her sn is PunkPrincess85
TPunk85: just in case
DewAndDrums00: christ.
TPunk85: what?
DewAndDrums00: nothing
TPunk85: no....what?
DewAndDrums00: i'm tired of everyone having "punk" in their SN
DewAndDrums00: "I'm so punk, look at me!! I have the word PUNK on my shirt that I bought from Hot Topic for $35!"
DewAndDrums00: in the 70s...punk was DIY...(do it yourself). everyone made their own "punk" clothes and put the safety pins on themselves.
TPunk85: lol, i know what your saying, but hey what are you gonna do about it?
DewAndDrums00: I've already done something about it
TPunk85: what's that?
DewAndDrums00: i used to be all "punk" and shit. I even had a mohawk for christ sake...and then when people would look at me and go "he's a punk" ...it pissed me off. Punk is not about how you dress, it's about how you think and mainly the music.
DewAndDrums00: i will not conform.....even to non-conformity
TPunk85: exactly, but i mean, you can only change yourself, there's nothing you can really do about all those ppl who just ACT punk
DewAndDrums00: it's enough for me.
DewAndDrums00: and besides....all those people who "act" punk can just get the finger from me
DewAndDrums00: i dont understand why anyone would "act" punk just to appeal themselves to everyone else.....sounds like a prep to me
TPunk85: punk is now like a style, you know?
TPunk85: its like a new fashion
DewAndDrums00: exactly.
DewAndDrums00: that's why i hate it
TPunk85: well, if clothes dont really matter.....
TPunk85: then who cares about how ppl are dressing ?
TPunk85: there is still the same amt of ppl who really ARE punk
DewAndDrums00: i dont. but, apparently there are alot of superficial people out there who actually do care about what people wear
TPunk85: i know, it's sad isnt it
DewAndDrums00:
punk1 (pngk)
n.
Slang.
A young person, especially a member of a rebellious counterculture group
TPunk85: interesting
DewAndDrums00: with this definition, how can one be a "punk" if they're only doing it because it's a fashion or because everyone else is doing it?
DewAndDrums00: that's not rebellious, that's conformity which is the exact opposite
TPunk85: i know, then maybe the real punk should dress like preps, and therefore be rebellious
DewAndDrums00: as far as I'm concerned there are no "real" punks
TPunk85: true
Mike: RUN! Its an arquebus wielding hippopotamus!!
Do you know why Crabs don't wear pants? So the rest of Rokugan can kiss our ass with ease. -Bob Yager aka Hida Yagamaki
Zilvia: Who here thinks Protection is one of the WORST cards in Warlord? Neverborn: Kids, I know it reduces feeling in your deck, and that it doesn't seem spontaneous, but you should always, ALWAYS, use Protection when playing Warlord, especially when playing with someone you don't know very well. Neverborn: A lot of you kids are into the "tourney scene", and while I don't approve of your "lifestyle choice" I feel that you should be allowed to experiment at your age. But if you want to avoid receiving Character Transmitted Distrusts (CTDs), Protection is your friend. Neverborn: Also, remeber that while Protection will save you from many actions, it is not foolproof as melee strikes will still penetrate it. Abstinence from Warlord is the only 100% effective way to avoid the frustration of losing a character.
Kevin: Hey, guess what I found today? Justin: The clitoris? Kevin: No, but the search continues.
Leber: (discussing the new site he was building) Maybe one day I'll have the glory of Kevin's site.
Justin: (looking at the GE version of Asako Misao) Damn, she's hot! Doug: Uhh, that's a GUY. Justin: (upon closer inspection) Are you sure? That looks like a woman. Doug: Yeah, that's the naked baby boy from Spirit Wars. (note: the Spirit Wars version of that card really IS a naked baby boy)
(Background: Justin, in one really boneheaded move, sent a flame to the Crane list laden with cursing. He was then flamed for over two weeks. Damn Cranes, go figure....)
(At Gencon '01) Justin: Hey, are you on any of the lists? Shimikiri: Shadowlands, Crane, and Info. Justin: Cool, I'm Kakita Onasuke, or Neverborn Shimikiri: Dude, you're the guy that told me to eat a cock! Justin: Shit, that was you? Shimikiri: Yeah, I never actually swore, I said "f'ing," so I flamed you too.
(later) Patrick: Hey, was that Shimikiri? Justin: Umm yeah. He's the guy I told to eat a cock. Patrick: (shocked look) YOU TOLD THE SHADOWLANDS WEBMASTER TO EAT A COCK!?!?
Hawke: I love the foils. If your deck has all the rares foiled like mine, your opponent can't read wtf he's playing against.
(This is a clip from #l5r of Kenjiri explaining to SanzoLuk what it means to be a Dragon) Let's say you have this girlfriend. And she's not that good-looking or cute or funny or even all that nice. And she also has lots of really cute younger sisters, and isn't even that good in the sack. But you stick with her, and sometimes, you even make her scream your name and not Brandon's (referring to Brandon "Hawke" Flores). And even bring her to orgasm. Which doesn't happen that often but when it does, it's good. Really damn good. And also- no one else even bothers to try. Sanzo- this is what it means to be a Dragon.
Aaron: The first person to fall unconscious from a fatal wound loses the "Driving With Andy" game.
David: (in orchestra, commenting on a piece we had just played) It just didn't sound evil enough.
(This next quote is from Gencon '01, in a conversation between my friend Luke, and a judge for L5R. Luke: I don't respect your authority as a judge. Judge: Well I don't respect your authority as a human being.
If in the spring your fancy turns to the opposite sex, you've been wasting the winter. -seen in a Western apparel store in Nebraska
Justin: Andy lost his L5R deck? How the hell do you lose an entire fucking deck? Aaron: Maybe he lost it in a sandwhich.
Justin: (to me) Well if you're not a Nazi then what's with that inverted flag above your computer? Me: It's a symbol of protest! Justin: Of what, people not loving Hitler?
Justin: Here Patty, have some Red Hot for you pizza. Hmm, I think I'll use some myself.... (mistakenly grabs open can of Mountain Dew and procedes to pour it on his slice of pizza)
Willie was on EverQuest in a group. His fellow group members were talking about porn and sex with girls. Willie suddenly says to the group, "Mmm, creamy cock.... CUNT! I mean cunt!"
(note: "Ree" refers to Ree Soesbee, a rather good-looking female, former head of the L5R story team, and currently a member of the Warlord story team.) Justin: You sit on Ree's penis. Willie: What's wrong with that? Oh! PENIS!
Aaron Flynn's Theory on Masturbation (I hate to admit it, but he actually has somewhat of a point with this): If men were meant to masturbate, they'd have cunts on their thighs.
My response to the above theory: Yeah, I used to say pretty much the same thing. Right up until the first time I masturbated.
Leber: NO! We're not going to the mall! They don't have fried penis!
Dan: The difference between you and me is that I'm far superior.
Justin: Remember the time Doug farted cum and tried to claim it was birdshit?
Aaron: So you guys know my sister? Justin (jokingly): Patrick had sex with her. Aaron (to Pat): No wonder your balls always itch so much.
Me: I wonder where the hell my mom went. Mike I'll bet countless homeless kids are saying the same thing.
Random Person: I started playing the Dragon Clan because they're mysterious. Justin: The only thing mysterious is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING THEM???
A tampon commercial on TV: What happens when you put wings on a pad? Randall: It flies away!
(Luke, when asked to do something that I don't remember) I'd rather be forced to dress up as a Dutch girl and rub oil onto Shaquille O'Neal's ass.
Kevin: Man, Willie, when the revolution comes and the electricity gets knocked out, you're going to wish you'd had us teach you how to play Warlord instead of wasting your time on EverQuest!
Patrick: A stogie is like smoking a fine wine.
David (In response to why he always does his homework at lunch): I'd be more than happy to do my homework at home if they'd let me play Diablo at school!
Patrick (in reference to Brittney getting picked on at school) If someone at school's messing with you, just bring a baseball bat with you one day. Sure, you'll get kicked out of school, but he'll be one dead mutha fucka!
Dan: You need to be civilized when talking about a woman's breasts.
David (After being asked why he goes so long without washing his hair): Show me a man who washes his hair every day, and I'll show you someone who's either gay or obsessive-compulsive.
LeberIt sucks that summer's over. That means an end to my days of late sleepin' and bad smellin'.
Leber: My dad wouldn't let me come over at first. Willie: Then how did you get here? Leber: I bitched! That's what you gotta do, BITCH!
(Leber, while watching the aliens attack on Starship Troopers) If we pile up enough bodies, we will win!!!!
In the game of Magic: The Gathering, nine times out of ten, the result of any given game is directly the result of the size of a player's penis. -some friend of Luke's
Dan Elias's theory on getting around stopping for red lights: "If you go fast enough, everything looks green!"
Patrick: I want penis-flavored ice cream!
Andy: David wants to be a fireman when he grows up. Actually, today they're called arsonists.
Mike Strickler's theory on "realistic" kiddie movies (in this case, 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up): If you're in a dangerous situation and everything suddenly goes into slow motion, you're sure to come out unscathed.
Brittney (while driving to school one day): Get in front of the fucking bus!!! (I guess you had to be there)
On an announcement at school for donating blood: "Get a cool shirt in exchange for your blood!"
Being alone and reclusive for as long as I've been has given me time to think about things that people are usually too caught up in other matters to think about, like the flaws in a capitalist system, the problems with organized religion, the meaning of life, and what it would be like to have sex with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Then again, I'd probably think about that last one anyway. -Me
Me, in reference to fighting games: Who needs skill when you've got button-mashing?
Do you remember your pre-porn days? -Steven Hsu
David: Now that you have a cable modem, you'll be able to download porn faster than you can look at it!
In the car on the way home one day, Pat mentioned that he'd never be able to get the oral report that goes along with his term paper to go on for 12 minutes. Mike Bee responded that, "You should just try to get it to eight minutes, then pull out a bucket and induce vomiting. That'll get you an 'A' for sure!"
This was said from Mike to his brother Andy after Andy did something to him once: "I swear that when you wake up in the morning you'll be covered in a great deal of piss!" (BTW, he never followed up on that threat)
This next quote was said in the car on the way home from school one day; one of my friends found a lighter and was tearing a page out of a book of crossword puzzles, and then rolled it up, used the lighter on it, and pretended it was a doobie. He even took a puff off of it, and remarked that it tasted horrible. My friend Pat inspired this quote when he replied, "Don't smoke crosswords! It's just not right!"
Just because I fuck guys doesn't mean I'm gay! -Eddie Dunkin
If I get shot in the head, will it hurt? Tina Vo, in reference to her Vampire character
Me: There's more to a Vampire campaign than gay sex, but it's the part that's the most fun. [This is in reference to our first Vampire campaign, in which Pat played a gay Tremere named Mark Toshimoko, whose exploits include giant paper-mache penises, sucking off werewolves, etc. Be afraid. Be very afraid. -ed.]
David: Having an urge to kill is completely natural; you should strive as hard as possible to fulfill it.
Mike Noetzel: Things could be worse. You could also be on fire.
Luke: If I had a dollar for every time I cared, I'd have 25 cents right now.
An interesting one-liner a friend once told me: What's the difference between a group of pygmies and the Richwoods Girl's Track Team? One's a group of cunning runts and the other's a group of running cunts.
An interesting idea proposed by Luke: everyone in the country should be given a gun and one bullet. During the course of their entire lives, they can use that one bullet to kill the person of their choosing, with complete impunity. In my own opinion, it would get rid of overpopulation in a snap.
Justin once asked me and a few others what we'd rather do: have sex with a hot woman for one night and never see her again, or play in the final round of the L5R World Championships. Out of me, Justin, Doug, Patrick, and Willie, I was the only one who answered sex! -Me
Justin: Nothing's worse than Uthanak in the first rank. (lingo from the Warlord CCG)
Kevin: Except AIDS.
Doug: Yeah, nothings worse than AIDS.
Kevin: Except more AIDS.
(From #L5R on IRC. Neverborn is Justin, and Hawke is Brandon "Hawke" Flores of L5R fame. Note: Origins is a big gaming convention)
Hawke: I think I'll be a twat tease at Origins.
Hawke: Yeah
Hawke: I think I can pull it off.
Hawke: I'll need....lots and lots of spandex and lycra.
Hawke: And a mask.
Hawke: And a fanboy to cradle my nuts while I walk.
* Hawke points at Neverborn.
Neverborn: but i'm not going to be at origins
Hawke: You've been drafted, ballcarrier.
Neverborn: gibb0r a ride there and entrance fee.
* Hawke ponders.
Hawke: Not unless you had a hot, easy, older sister who could "do me a favor".
Neverborn: i dont even have a sister =p
Neverborn: doug could "do you a favor"
(Background: Andy is going on insipidly about some manner of anime.) Justin: I hate anime.
[A visible look of annoyance passes over Andy's face, as he tends to take attacks on anime personally (I'm not insulting him, just stating a fact)] Andy: That's fine, but have you ever seen [insert anime show name]? Justin: I'd rather watch rap videos. Andy: (another look of annoyance) Well, don't knock it 'till you've seen it! Justin: Have you seen the latest Juvenille video? Andy: (confused) No.... Justin: Well, don't knock it 'till you've seen it!
