This is a section for gender and/or relationship humor.

This section was last updated 9/29/2007.
Rules For Men, a joke so damn long that I had to give it it's own page.
Men's English For the ladies who have trouble understanding the men they are dating or are married to, I have put together a glossary to explain various terms which we men use. Here goes...

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense; let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person. Afterwards, perhaps you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

And FINALLY (While shopping)... "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home!

Why It's Great to be a Guy
Translating Personal Ads (updated 1/16/2007
The Sales Pitch
 A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

An Act of Charity
 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'

What Women Believe
 Women believe that if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe that if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe that if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe that if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

Dennis Miller's Advice to Women on What Men Want
 I know the myth is that men want:

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!

All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:

Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:

1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it.
2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.
3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
4. Would it kill you to watch The Godfather with me for the fifty-seventh time?
5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at The Drink when I was single.
7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?

Dennis Miller's Advice To Men On What Women Want
 Nowadays it seems like they want... other women. No, uhh... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.

Let's see, the myth is that women want:

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda, sorta, maybe think women want from men.

1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at... say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, total idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo...
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the day what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

Spiritual Awareness
 At a Spiritual Awareness retreat, Sam and Annie were told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love".

Annie wrote:

"When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another."

Sam wrote:

"I love sex."

Rejection Lines By Women
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
Rules Girls Wish Guys Knew
She's a Keeper If You Hear a Woman Say:
Things Men Don't Know About Women's Restrooms
Things Women Don't Know About Men's Restrooms
About Cats and Dogs
 What is a cat? Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

What is a dog?

Conclusion: They are tiny men in fur coats.
Least Complimentary Euphemisms For "Spouse"
In the Garden
 God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained that to him too.

Then God said, "Go over the hill."

Adam said, "What's a hill?" Again, God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

Adam asked, "What's a headache?"

Things Guys Should Never Say to Girls After Sex
Card Search
 One Saturday morning at the card shop, a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards. Finally, she could be seen shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any that say 'Sorry I Laughed At Your Penis'?"

Things Not to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
It's Tough Being a Guy
 If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetative job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetative job with low pay, you should get up off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a promotion ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harrasment.
If you don't, it's male indifference.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a dexision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her do something she doesn't enjoy, it's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you want something.
If you don't, you're not thoughful.

If you're proud of your achievments, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

1950's Home Economics
 The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

And now the updated version for the '90's woman:
Lines To Use To End a Bad Date Painlessly
You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When....
Things NOT To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Folks
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men
Men and Women of Chemistry
 Element name: Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

----------------------------------------------------
Element Name: Man
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Top Signs You've Hired the Wrong Marriage Counselor
Dating Reality Check
 Ever wonder what you parter is really saying!
What they say, and what it means.

Seminars Men Wish Women Would Attend
The Man Answer List
 Why Are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

Why do men always have to ogle at other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid thing? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!

Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)? Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on thier asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Why do men say, "I love you," when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?

Dear Wife, Dear Husband
 Dear Wife (that's what he called her),

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him),

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

Marriage Definitions
Benefits of Dating an Older Woman
Showering Habits
How to Shower Like a Woman
Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You
A Great Discovery
 Little Johnny ran home from school and excitedly said to his mother, "Mummy, Mummy, I've found out how women have babies." "Well, just how do they have babies?" asked his mother inquisitively. "Babies are made when a man sticks his penis in a woman's mouth," said Little Johnny. "Oh no," replied his mother, "that's how women get jewelry!"
Male Language Patterns
 "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstreached hands, so I'm completely useless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are broken."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse for driving like a maniac."

"Take a break honey, you're working to hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them was a real babe, and wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "Actually, I severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before admitting I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I hope I think of them soon."

"She's one of those rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

How to Change Your Oil
 Women:
Men:
Male Counter-Comebacks to Female Comebacks
 Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little mustache.

Man: Havn't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it's because everyone there thinks you're easy. Heck, they named a pool table after you!

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man:: I think you misheard me. I said your ass looks fat in those pants.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do Not Enter.
Man: Sure that isn't, "Yeild to Merging Traffic?"

Leaving the Toilet Seat Up
 Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."

Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.

Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."

Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

On The Condition of Human Relationships
 Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been Feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was, let's see, February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I ll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

Things Girls Say and What They Really Mean
What They Say (WTS): Can't we just be friends?
What They Mean (WTM): There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch mine ever again.

WTS: I just need some space....
WTM: Without you in it.

WTS: Can you help me with my homework?
WTM: If I keep whineing, the fool will do it for me.

WTS: Do I look fat in this dress?
WTM: We havn't had a fight in awhile.

WTS: No, pizza's fine.
WTM: Cheap bastard.

WTS: I just don't want a boyfriend now.
WTM: I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

WTS: I don't know, what do you want to do?
WTM: I can't believe you have nothing planned!

WTS: Come here.
WTM: My puppy does this too.

WTS: We're moving too quickly.
WTM: I won't sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.

WTS: I'll be ready in a minute.
WTM: I AM ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

WTS: Oh no, I'll pay for myself.
WTM: I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

WTS: Oh yes, right there!
WTM: Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.

WTS: I'm just going out with the girls.
WTM: We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

WTS: There's no one else.
WTM: I'm doing your brother

WTS: Size doesn't matter....
WTM: Unless I want an orgasm.

What Guys Say and What They Really Mean
WTS: It's just orange juice, try it.
WTM: Three more shots and she'll have her legs around my head.

WTS: She's kinda cute.
WTM: I want to bang her 'till I'm blue.

WTS: I don't know if I like her.
WTM: She won't blow me.

WTS: I need you.
WTM: My hand is tired.

WTS: I had her.
WTM: I had wet dreams about her all week.

WTS: I really want to get to know you better....
WTM: So we can do what I tell my friends we do already.

WTS: How do I compare with your other boyfriends?
WTM: Is my penis really that small?

WTS: You're the only girl I've ever cared about.
WTM: You're the only girl who hasn't rejected me.

WTS: I want you back....
WTM: For tonight anyway.

WTS: We've been through so much together.
WTM: If it wasn't for you, I never would've lost my virginity.

WTS: I miss you so much.
WTM: I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.

WTS: No, I don't want to dance right now.
WTM: Shoot! She'll know I have a hard-on!

WTS: The breakup shouldn't start for another 24 hours.
WTM: I want to have sex a few more times.

WTS: I am different from all the other guys.
WTM: I am not circumsized.

That Sums It Up
 Romance Mathematics
House Rules (for couples)
Say Those Words
 A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say. "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love." I said, 'Tell me you love me.'" He replied, 'I love you.' I said, 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.' He stopped for a second, and announced, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.' So I slapped him. "The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened!"
30 Harsh Things a Woman Can Say to a Naked Man
Pregnency Q & A
 Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would look awefully funny.

Q: What's the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is the true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: It depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnency craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method of determining a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My blood is O-positive, and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born with, say, AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant, and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex ant the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the differance between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if you know what's good for you.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way a tornado can be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel that not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnency.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be cimcumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
A: It means the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after the baby stops nursing cold turkey

Q: When is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diapers very quickly.

Q: Nannies aren't cheap, are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

The Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
The Top Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female
Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone- REVISED!

Relationships....

First of all, a amn does not refer to a relationship as a relationship; he refers to it as, "That time Suzie and I were doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 A.M. on a Saturday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men overcome this need. Alas, these rarely prove effective.

Sex....

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men consider the drive back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity....

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines....

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men, however, elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting....

TO their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy....

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Bathrooms....

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries....

A woman makes a list of the things she needs and then goes to the store to buy these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less-lane.

Shoes....

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup....

Cats....

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring....

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of short people living in the house.

Low Blows....

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up....

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry....

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about 8 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

David Letterman....

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Weddings....

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Nicknames....

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out....

When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the total is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors....

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors , spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause....

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porche.

The Telephone....

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks , and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions....

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes....

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere....

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Britney Spears....

Same as above, but reversed.

Toys....

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more silly and expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, computerized blenders and juicers, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve coctails on command, video games, and anything that beeps, blinks, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants....

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras....

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms....

In locker rooms men talk about 3 things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Garages....

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies....

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.

Jewelry....

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more and he'll look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

Time....

When a woman says she'll be ready to go in 5 more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says there is 5 minutes left in a football game. Neither of them is counting time-outs, commercials, or replays.

Friends....

Women on a girl's night out talk the entire time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos," or "Got any more beer?"

Restrooms....

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms a social lounges. Men in restrooms never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak, want to join me?

If Men Ruled the World....
If Women Ruled the World....
  • Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures.
  • Men would learn phrases like, "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," and, "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
  • Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
  • Men would sit around and wonder what WE were thinking.
  • Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
  • All toilet seats would be nailed down.
  • Men would work as much on relationships as they do on their careers.
  • TV news segments on sports would never last longer than one minute.
  • All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
  • During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
  • Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
  • After a baby is born, men would take a 6-week paternity leave to wait on their wife hand and foot.
  • For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year-old for six weeks.
    This next one somewhat explains the differences in how men and women think!

    From a guy to his girlfriend:

    During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of reasons why I did NOT succede more often:

    Of the 36 times I DID succede, the activity was not satisfactory because:

    The reply:

    To my dear boyfriend:
    I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling? The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
    I hope you liked these! I plan on having more here in the future, so check back soon!